What’s poppin’, y’all? After a long and tortuous year and a half wait, the finale season of Game of Thrones premiered on HBO two Sundays ago (Apr. 14, 2019), and I was here for it! Normally, I post a recap and review about the show, but I’m extremely late as all hell, and I’m sure you’ve all peeped the season premiere by this point. So instead of my usual post, I’m gonna touch on a subject that really made my head spin last week. It’s wasn’t Bran waiting in the freezing cold all night to see Jaime and it wasn’t Jon making out with his auntie while Drogon gave him a menacing stare. It was Cersei Lannister’s dumb ass.
As I’m sure you all are aware, last season, Jon, Dany, Tyrion and the rest of The Dragon Crew (that’s my new name for the folks on Dany’s side) traveled to King’s Landing and showed Cersei an actual wight. “Wight” is the official name for those decaying zombies that make up the Night King’s army, in case you’re wondering. Even though Cersei saw a rotten zombie with her own two eyes and clearly heard Jon and Dany say that hundreds upon thousands of those things are heading south, she opts not to use her common sense and decides to betray Jon and Dany by having that nutbag Euron Greyjoy employ extra soldiers from The Golden Company to take out The Dragon Crew.
Thus, bringing us to the present. Euron’s nutty ass returns with The Golden Company and Cersei is whining because she hoped with all her heart and soul that they’d bring elephants, because that’s smart. After all, a land dwelling elephant will make quick work out of flying, fire breathing dragons. Yeah.
When Cersei questions why she wasn’t given the elephants she was promised, the army captain tells her what everyone with actual intelligence already knew: it was impossible to transport the elephants across the sea. I mean, it’s not like there were any trains or airplanes to transport the doggone animals back then.
After the captain exits, Euron Greyjoy’s horny ass starts coercing Cersei into some personal time. Cersei rebuffs him, and Euron starts whining. Cersei replies to his griping with this now epic line:
Now, before we start high fivin’ Cersei and giving her props for women’s empowerment, she soon remembers that 1) she hasn’t had any in a while, 2) Jaime’s gone, and her source for regular dick has gone with him, and 3) she has a bun in the oven and has to place the blame on somebody other than Jaime, considering that regardless of the fact that she’s the queen of the seven kingdoms, folks tend to frown on incest. With all that being said, Cersei—somewhat reluctantly—gives up the booty.
After she and Euron do the do, Cersei is still whining about those damn elephants. Euron, on the other hand, can’t stop bragging and asking Cersei if he was the best she ever had. Fool, if you have to ask, you probably sucked. Cersei doesn’t indulge him, but she doesn’t wound his ego, either. Before Euron leaves, he swears down he’s going to put a prince in her belly, and you can literally see the damn creaky ass wheels turning in Cersei’s head. Lord, have mercy.
Allow me to reiterate what I said in the title of this post: Cersei Lannister is a damn fool. It’s a wonder she survived this long. I honestly believe that if it wasn’t for Tywin and Jaime (and to a certain degree, Tyrion), she would’ve dug her own hole a long time ago. First of all, like Jaime told your simple ass last season, you not helping the North fight the Night Walkers is a lose-lose situation. Either the Northerners win and kill you for your betrayal—and Dany (or Jon) still takes the Iron Throne in the process—or the Night Walkers win, continue their campaign further south and kill everyone in King’s Landing, thus making the damn Night King the King of the Seven Kingdoms (try saying that five times fast).
Second of all, Dany may have lost Viserion, but she still has Drogon and Rhaegal, two full grown, fire breathing, flying dragons. You honestly think some Barnum and Bailey elephants can really do something on land? I seriously doubt it, Dumbo.
Third, don’t give an epic speech about Euron having to earn a queen and then spread ’em like peanut butter five minutes later because you wanna play the okey doke with another man, pretending he’s the father of your unborn child, when everyone knows it belongs to you doggone brother (which is gross enough). Dang, not only is Cersei stupid as hell, she’s a nasty ho!
Unfortunately for Cersei, Tywin and Jamie are both gone, and she’s completely exposed. I just hope that Cersei isn’t stupid enough to think that Euron’s crazy, non-stop-dick-joke-tellin’ ass is gonna protect her, because he won’t. If anything, that guy’s out for himself. But anyone with half a doggone brain could see that. Then again, we’re talking about Cersei.
With all that being said, I’m just gonna close this post out with the perfect GIF, dedicated to Queen Cersei:
—-Written by Nadiya
So, do you think Cersei will win the game of thrones? If so, why (because I really need to hear this)? Let me know in the comments section!