Top 10 ‘Game of Thrones’ Psychos

Nadiya's House

What’s poppin’, y’all?  I know Game of Thrones‘ sixth season has ended, but I’m quite sure some of y’all have been going through withdrawals.  With that being said, I decided to do a Game of Thrones Top 10 list, and what better way to do it than to name off the top 10 psychos on the show!  I mean, let’s face it, a lot of the characters on Game of Thrones aren’t particularly balanced.  Let’s hop to it!  By the way…do y’all like my house sigil?

10.  Sandor “The Hound” Clegane

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I know what y’all are thinkin’, “What’s The Hound doing on this list?”  Now I know that all of y’all love The Hound; I love him, too.  However, you have to admit that he’s a bit psychotic.  I can see why, though.  If my brother burned half my face for playing with one of his favorite toys, I’d be a bit off myself.  Yes, deep down The Hound is a good man, but he actually enjoys killing.  Remember when he told either Sansa or Arya (I can’t remember which one it was) that killing was the most wonderful thing in the world and that Ned enjoyed it, too?  Every time I watched Ned—or even Jon—kill someone, it was a necessary evil, but they got no enjoyment from it.  Only The Hound finds glee in murder.  Unless it’s folks gettin’ burned to death, of course.

9.  Euron Greyjoy

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That’s right, number nine is the king of the Iron Islands and the king of dick jokes himself, Euron Greyjoy!  It’s true that he just joined the cast this season, but right out of the gate, he proved himself to be an A1 nut!  First he killed his brother, proved himself to be obsessed with Theon’s no-longer-existing dick, and then uttered his famous phrase, “Where’s my niece and nephew?  Let’s go murder them!”  Cu-koo!

8.  Walder Frey

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He flirts with chicks young enough to be his granddaughters, he murders entire families at social functions, and always appears to be constipated!  The number eight spot goes to none other than ratchet ass Walder Frey!  Anyone that can watch folks get slaughtered at a wedding and get years of enjoyment from it (not to mention the fact that he imprisoned his son-in-law for God knows how many years after the massacre) is a pure psycho!

7.  Cersei Lannister

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Cersei was always a bitch, but she crossed into pure psychotic territory during the sixth season finale.  When a monarch commits mass genocide (and let’s not forget, she blew up a church!) in her own kingdom and smiles with joy, it proves that she isn’t playing with a full deck.  Plus, there were her past deeds:  trying to kill Tyrion, sleeping with Jaime (ill!), not caring when Jaime pushed Bran out the window, etc.  Hell, in the books, she murdered one of her close friends because the latter had a crush on Jaime!  With an ally like her, who needs enemies?

6.  Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes

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These ladies are so hellbent on revenge, they don’t care who they take out to get it, and if you’re not with them, you’re damn sure against them.  I get Ellaria and the crew being pissed at Cersei, but why kill Myrcella?  She was completely innocent!  Why kill Prince Doran and his son for (wisely) not wanting to wage war?  Let’s not forget how the youngest Sand Snake (her name escapes me) poisoned Bronn just for shits and giggles.  A family full of fools, indeed.

5.  Meryn Trant

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Meryn Trant was an arrogant, murderous pedophiliac who got his rocks off on following Joffrey’s sick orders and beating up little girls under the age of 14.  I cheered out loud when Arya messed his ass up.  Talk about just desserts!  The only reason this dude isn’t higher on the list because there’s much, much worse people on Game of Thrones.  You have to have a strong will and thick skin to enjoy this show.

4.  Lysa Arryn

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Lord, have mercy.  Lysa Arryn was the epitome of batshit crazy.  Considering that she’s the one that poisoned her husband and sent that letter to Ned Stark implicating the Lannisters for his murder, it’s possible to say that her actions put all the horrible events in the show into motion (Ned wouldn’t have gone to King’s Landing if the former Hand of the King—Lysa’s husband—hadn’t been murdered).  Some of Lysa’s favorite pastimes included dropping people to their death (which makes it fitting that she was killed the same way), obsessing over Littlefinger, and allowing her nine year old son to be breastfed.  Did I mention that she was a horrible parent, too?  Lysa was single-handedly responsible for raising the most spoiled and useless child on the face of the Earth, and I’ve seen some bad ones, boo.

3.  Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane

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The Hound made it on to the list, but his big brother, The Mountain, is waaaaaaay crazier than he is.  As I said earlier, The Mountain is basically the reason The Hound is on this list in the first place.  Much like Meryn Trant, he found joy in carrying out The Lannisters’ dirty deeds (i.e. raping and killing women and children), but he’d also go after anyone and everyone that pissed him off.  He tried to kill Loras Tyrell once for beating him fair and square during a game of joust.  And of course, there was that time he crushed Oberyn Martell’s skull (the very act that turned Ellaria and the Sand Snakes into vengeful nuts).  To add insult to injury, ever since he’s become a reanimated corpse, he’s gotten even crazier!  Smashing people’s heads, raping nuns…move over, Hannibal Lector!

2.  Joffrey Baratheon

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Now y’all know the king we all loved to hate was gonna be on this list!  Joffrey was a spoiled rotten young king that thrived on torture and humiliation.  He didn’t care who felt his wrath:  his uncle, his fianceé, his future father-in-law, innocent animals, random folks in King’s Landing, or some hoes that just wanted to show him a good time.  The very first episode of Game of Thrones I ever watched was “The Lion and the Rose” (the episode with “The Purple Wedding”), and I witnessed what an asshat Joffrey was.  I couldn’t say I was too upset—or shocked—when he was poisoned to death at the end of the episode.  Hell, I laughed out loud!

1.  Ramsay Bolton

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Real talk, if you were surprised Ramsay made the number one spot, you must be a new fan.  Ramsay is on a whole ‘nother level of insanity that even Joffrey’s spoiled, maniacal ass can’t touch.  Even Joffrey had a limit to his craziness.  Ramsay, on the other hand, had no chill.  He killed his dad, his step mother, and even his 10 minute old newborn brother!  Like Joffrey, he got off on torture, but he took it a step further than beatings and using folks for crossbow practice.  He cut off appendages and peeled the skin off people.  He raped and used psychological torture.  We have Ramsay to thank for Euron’s never ending dick jokes and for Theon being the poster child for PTSD.  What made Ramsay even scarier than Joffrey is the fact that Ramsay was actually intelligent, whereas Joffrey was a vicious idiot.  Ramsay used his insanity and mind games to his advantage, and he came out on top just about every time…until Jon beat his ass and Sansa turned him into Dog Chow.

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—Written by Nadiya

So who do think is the biggest psychopath on Game of Thrones?  Do you agree with the list?  Also, do you like my house sigil?  No, really.  Do you?  Give me your thoughts!

“Game of Thrones” Season Six Finale!!

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Okay, I know what I said earlier about losing HBO and Starz, and how I wouldn’t post any more recaps/reviews.  However, I found a way to watch last night’s season finale of “Game of Thrones” (and I actually found a way to catch up on the other episodes, as well as the other episodes of “Outlander.”  Don’t ask; it’s a long story, and we A LOT to talk about in this post).   That doggone episode was too doggone epic to not post anything about it.  So, instead of me giving my usual recap/review, I’m just going to go over the events that blew my mind and made me rethink my universe.

***WARNING:  IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED “THE WINDS OF WINTER” SEASON SIX FINALE YET, I HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT YOU STAY AWAY FROM THIS POST, BECAUSE THERE’S SPOILERS HEREIN.  YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.***

The Sept Is Gone (and the Septons, too) and the Tyrells Are No More (sort of)!

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Okay, Cersei’s trial is coming up, and instead of facing The High Sparrow’s biased and arbitrary form of justice, she carries out a plan that a lot of folks have been theorizing for quite some time now.  She learned about a cache of wildfire directly under the Sept thanks to her buddy Qyburn, had one of his “birds” empty a few of the crates near the supply and light some candles in a puddle of the stuff…and boom.

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In one swoop, she took out nearly the entire Faith Militant, including Lancel, who was lured to the bottom of the Sept by one of the “birds” when the blast went off.  The Tyrell family was also there, and got blasted to kingdom come.  By the way, Margaery was the only one that had sense enough to know something was up when she noticed that Cersei and Tommen were absent from the trial, but those idiot minions wouldn’t allow her, her brother or anyone else to leave the building.  Cersei also managed to take out Pycelle (in another location) by the hands of Qyburn’s “birds” and her uncle Kevan (he was in the Sept).  She later exacted her revenge on Septa Unella, via The Mountain.  And poor Tommen, who could only watch the 9/11 type destruction his mother caused, and knowing his wife was in that blast, promptly committed suicide.  And all this was just in the first twenty minutes.

Winter Is Finally Here (and it only took five years!)!

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While Sansa and Jon are discussing how they must trust each other and who should take over the Stark household, Sansa mentions that a raven came from the Citadel (I’m assuming that was from the nasty ass admissions director that didn’t believe Jon was the Lord Commander and the letter of recommendation he wrote for Sam was “irregular”)…a white raven.  Sansa says that means that winter is actually here.  Jon laughs and talks about how Ned always said it was coming.  Well, it’s about doggone time!  I wish winter was like that in real life.  After six more measly months, we’ll all be shivering again (yes it gets cold in the south).

The Sand Snakes and Granny Tyrell Align…and They Have Extra Help!

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Remember I said “The Tyrells Are No More (sort of)”?  There’s one Tyrell left…Oleanna aka Granny Tyrell, and she’s pissed.  Thanks to Cersei’s terrorist attack, the Tyrell name will now end with Oleanna.  She wants revenge, and she goes to Dorne to get it.  Despite the fact that Granny epically shut the younger Sand Snakes up, she and Ellaria still agree to team up, and they have another force aligning with them…

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Hell yeah.  It’s on now.  I can’t stand the Sand Snakes, but I’m loving this new alliance.

Tyrion Is Appointed Hand of the Queen!

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After Dany officially announces that she is indeed heading to Westeros in the near future and drops Daario Naharis like a bad habit, she and Tyrion have a heart to heart, where he tries to console her for dumping her lover, seeing as she had to leave him if she wants to be queen of the seven kingdoms (I can’t help but wonder if Daario got dumped so the writers could make the Dany/Yara thing happen).  Dany’s inconsolable, especially since she just realized she never really loved Daario and had no emotion when she dumped him, but Tyrion tells her how he’s been a cynic all his life and never believed in anything…but he believes in her.  That’s when Dany presents Tyrion with the pin she had especially made for him and officially declares him the Hand of the Queen.  Tyrion responds in a way he never has before…

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He kneels before her.  Y’all know how much I love Tyrion, so it was really nice to see him finally being appreciated for the things he’s done (by the way, the war waged by the masters was wasn’t so much a fuck up by Tyrion, but more so of a double cross…although Grey Worm and Missandei warned him of said double cross…never mind).  I’m also glad to see a genuine relationship forming between Dany and Tyrion now.  I believe they’re becoming real friends, and not just political allies.  *Squee*

Arya Kills Walder Frey’s Ratchet Ass (and smiles!)

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Walder Frey is enjoying his delicious meat pie and a flirting with a handmaiden young enough to be his granddaughter.  Then he wonders where his sons are.  The maiden tells him his sons are right there with him.  The old man’s confused, so the young lady shows him the slice of pie and tells him again, his sons are there.  Frey takes the top crust off the pie, and sure enough, he finds the top of a finger (or a toe…I know the nail was green..ill…).  Gross…but cool!  I have to say, in the Shakespearean play Titus, the main character got revenge on a rival family by putting their evil sons in a pie.  That was epic then, and it’s epic now!  Then, the ultimate…the maiden takes off her mask to reveal that she’s none other than Arya Stark.  She introduces herself to Frey and lets him know the last thing he’ll see is her smiling down on him as he dies.  Then she slices his throat and smiles as he bleeds out.  Valar morghulis, bitch.

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The R+L=J Theory Is True!  WTF!?!?

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Long story short, Bran wargs out again, with his Three-Eyed Raven powers fully realized, thanks to his Uncle Benjen, and goes back in time to where he saw his father heading up to the Tower of Joy to save Lyanna.  Lyanna has obviously just given birth, and she’s dying from excessive hemorrhage.  She makes Ned promise to take care of her baby boy if and when she dies.  Bran looks on as the midwife hands Ned the baby who opens his brown eyes…

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And then we cut to this:

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Holy shit.  Now here’s why this has rocked my world…I always thought that the R+L=J theory was bogus and just something that the fans really wanted to see (like Tyrion actually being a Targaryen instead of a Lannister).  There’s really only two reasons I felt like the theory wasn’t warranted, and one of my best friends (who’s also a big “Game of Thrones” fan) and I have discussed this at length.  Reason one:  Why didn’t Ned at the very least confide in Catelyn that Jon was actually his nephew?  It doesn’t make sense for him to come home and introduce Jon as his bastard child and put the boy—and his own marriage—through all that stress and misery.  Reason two (and this was the BIG reason):  As most of y’all may remember, in season one, Ned learned that Robert Baratheon did not father any of his legitimate children when he read that family history book and saw that all the descendants of the Baratheon family had dark hair, not blond hair.  In the “Game of Thrones” universe, genetics are pretty simple.  The children—namely the males—take their father’s hair color.  If Jon was a Targaryen, wouldn’t he have silver hair like Dany and Viserys, instead of dark hair like the rest of the Starks (except Sansa)?  Despite what I think though, D&D and Mr. Martin proved that Jon is a Targaryen, and even though I have to reevaluate my life, I can’t wait to see the sparks that are gonna fly when Jon finally meets Dany (his auntie)!

Jon Stark is Declared the King in the North!  Yaaaassss, Bitch!

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Earlier in the show, Littlefinger told Sansa he wanted to sit on the Iron Throne and he wanted her by his side…then he made a pass at her by trying to kiss her, but Sansa rejected his ass and he ended up throwing a brick like Steph Curry at the NBA Finals.  Soon after, all the Northerners gather for a pow wow, and Jon informs them that winter has arrived, and the White Walkers are coming.  At first, no one wants to listen…until Lyanna Mormont reminds them how most of them punked out when House Stark needed them, and she publicly declares Jon King in the North.  I’m starting to like her now.  Everyone realizes she’s speaking truth and all of them declare Jon king.  By the way, I love this exchange between Jon and Sansa while everyone’s pledging their allegiance:

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These two are so cute (in a brother/sister type way, you nasty shippers!).  While everyone’s cheering for Jon however, Sansa spots Littlefinger in a corner mean muggin’.

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Why so pissed?  Sexually frustrated?  Mad ’cause a “bastard’s” been declared king (a bastard hatin’ on a bastard)?  Or are you PO’ed because now that ugly ass throne is a little further out of your reach?  And speaking of which…

Cersei Lannister Sits On the Iron Throne  (Armageddon has arrived…)

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Jaime returns from Riverrun just in time to see the disaster area that is now King’s Landing.  He also comes back just in time to see Cersei’s coronation as the Queen of the Andals and the First Men and Protector of the Seven Kingdoms.  He didn’t look too happy.  Me personally, I nearly fainted.

And last, but damn sure not least…

Dany and Her Army FINALLY Sail to Westeros (and it only took five years!)

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Theon is shown looking up at a flag on a ship.  He’s standing next to Yara, who’s looking out at the horizon.  Then we see another ship setting sail with Grey Worm and most of the Unsullied.  Another ship is full of Dothraki Bloodriders and their horses (by the way, the Dothraki learned in a short period of time how to manage a ship!).  There’s close to a thousand ships sailing in the ocean, all with dragons embroidered on the sails.  Drogon, Viscerion and Rhaegal fly overheard.  The dragons pass the leading ship, which contains Varys, Missandei, Tyrion…and Dany.

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So Dany basically has the Unsullied, the Dothraki, most of the Ironborn, the Sand Snakes, Granny Tyrell, Tyrion and Vary’s sharp minds, the Second Sons on call (she left them in Meereen with Daario), Jorah Mormont’s eventual comeback, and three big ass dragons?  Let’s not forget there’s a possibility the North might join in.

Cersei…you in danger, girl.

You In Danger Girl

I don’t have to tell y’all, this entire season was asskickin’.  From the Bastard Bowl, to The Hound coming back, to Jon’s resurrection, Dany’s epic war with the slave masters, Ramsay being turned into Alpo, to this game changing season finale (I have to say, this may be one of the best season finales in “Game of Thrones” history, in my humble opinion), I loved it all.  I especially loved how the biggest outcasts in the show (Jon and Tyrion) are finally getting the respect and accolades they deserve.  The only thing I hated in this episode was Margaery being killed and Tommen committing suicide, but all that’s going to lead to Cersei’s ultimate destruction, which’ll be be so delightful to see (even Jaime’s pissed at her now!).  I have to say though, it looks as though everything’s come full circle with Jon becoming king, Tyrion becoming Hand of the Queen, Cersei ruling the Seven Kingdoms, Dany sailing to Westeros and winter finally arriving.  That may very well mean that season seven will indeed be the last season.  If it is…I’ll be sad to see the show go, but I know it’ll give us a final season we won’t forget!

—Written by Nadiya

So what did y’all think about “Winds of Winter”?  Was it a great season finale, or was it disappointing?  What blew your mind?  Do you have something to add to the list?  Give me your thoughts!

 

 

 

“The Broken Man” – Recap and Review

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This past episode of “Game of Thrones” was chock full of surprises!  Let’s do this!

A Beautiful Meadow With Nice, Happy Church Folk (Before the Opening Credits…huh?)

Yeah, you read that right.  I never remember any new scenes being shown before the opening credits, but this week, the show begins with happy, shiny people not holding hands, but building what appears to be a church steeple.  The equally happy, shiny leader is Ian McShane, aka The Guy That’s In Everything.  It’s true.  He was in Pirates of the Caribbean:  On Stranger Tides, Hercules, Snow White and the Huntsman…this dude is in everything!  As the camera shows groups of men carrying large logs of wood to be added to the steeple, we see one large, burly man carrying a log all by himself.  He drops the log and camera pans upward to reveal…The Hound!  The Hound is back, baby!

Then the opening credits start.  Dun-dun-du-du-dun-dun-du-du-dun-dun…

The story goes back to all the happy, shiny people…and The Hound.  It turns out Ian McShane is a priest (a Septon) and he found The Hound near dead.  Ian McShane was planning to give him a proper burial, but before the priest could put the big guy in the ground, he coughed, and here we are.  Turns out Ian McShane is a cool priest a la Father Bobby in Sleepers (shout out to Robert DeNiro), and can’t resist ribbin’ The Hound a little bit when he finds out that it was actually a woman that took the big man out.  Later, they have a spiritual conversation, where Father McShane (that’s what I’m gonna call him) admits that he doesn’t know everything about the gods, but he knows that there’s something greater out there and whatever it is has a plan for The Hound.  The Hound asks if the gods are real, then why hasn’t he been punished yet?  Father McShane tells him that he has been punished.

King’s Landing

Margaery is in the Sept, reading from the bible when The High Sparrow walks in.  On a side note, her hair looks blonder (is that a word?) in this episode.  Anyway, The High Sparrow starts asking why Margaery and Tommen aren’t bumpin’ and grindin’ like they used to.  Margaery tells him that she doesn’t have the desire to.  After all, that kid is like what?  16?  I feel like I’m about to get a visit from the folks at “Dateline NBC” every time I see the two of them together.  The High Sparrow tells her that she has a duty to her husband and her country, and the king must have an heir so “their good work” can continue.  He then tells her that she’s made a lot of progress, and he only wishes her grandmother would make the same progress…or else.  Later that day, Margaery meets with Granny Tyrell with Septa Unella, the psychotic nun.  Granny Tyrell is pissed that Septa Unella is hanging on to their every word, but Margaery won’t send her away.  BTW, I love Granny’s comments about Unella, “Can it move or talk?”  Granny’s also pissed that Margaery seems to be content with Loras still being locked up and being the new poster girl for The Seven.  She tries to make Margaery go back to Highgarden, but she refuses, and instead, Margaery pleads for her grandmother to go back home.  She slips a piece of paper in her grandmother’s hand and warns her, “Go home.”  Granny understands completely at that point.  They say their goodbyes, and when Granny goes outside, she looks at the piece of paper.  It has a rose (the Tyrell symbol) drawn on it.  It’s enough to put a smile on Granny Tyrell’s face.  Margaery’s playing them, and this ain’t over.

Somewhere in The North

Jon, Sansa, Tormund and Ser Davos meet up with the Wildlings to get them to fight in The Bastard Bowl (yep, The Bastard Bowl).  They don’t wanna do it; they promised they’d help Jon fight the White Walkers, not psychos that would make Ted Bundy shake his head.  Tormund reminds them that Jon literally gave his life for them, and if they don’t fight for him, they’re all cowards.  Wun Wun the Giant (I think that’s his name) stands up for Jon, and the others follow.  That’s a point for the Starks!

King’s Landing…The Land of Shade

Cersei approaches Granny Tyrell about leaving King’s Landing, and asks if she’ll really leave her grandson in a cell.  Granny reminds Cersei that it’s her fault that Loras is rotting in a cell, and it’s her fault that The High Sparrow rose to power.  Cersei actually accepts responsibility and admits it’s her fault all this has happened.  She says her stupid decision haunts her every day, to which Granny replies, “Good.”  Cersei practically begs Granny for help, but Granny remembers that signature smirk Cersei had on her face when Loras and Margaery were taken away, and she refuses to lift a finger for her ratchet ass.  Granny tells her that she’s leaving for Highgarden, and if Cersei had any sense (which she doesn’t), she’ll do the same.  Cersei refuses to leave Tommen.  Granny reminds Cersei that she has no support in King’s Landing anymore, and it’s the only joy she can hold to in all this misery.  Every dark cloud has a silver lining.

Riverrun

Jaime and Bronn (Bronn’s back!) arrive in Riverrun, and see the Frey army’s piss poor attempt at trying to take the castle back.  Frey’s son and the other men are threatening to cut Lord Edmure’s throat if the Blackfish doesn’t surrender.  The Blackfish is basically like…

Look at All the Fucks I Give

Jaime can’t stand looking at these fools bumble around anymore and takes over the siege.  He also demands that Lord Edmure be cleaned and fed (Black Jack looks a hot ass mess).  One of the idiots tries to back talk to Jaime, but he quickly get bitchslapped with Jaime’s metal hand.  Ouch!  Jaime tells Bronn to get word to The Blackfish for a parley.

Bear Island

Jon, Sansa and Ser Davos meet up with Lady Lyanna, the head of House Mormont, and let me tell you…Lady Lyanna needs a belt to her behind.  The internet is lovin’ her, and I have to say, she’s much stronger than Tommen and Robyn, and smarter, too.  However, she’s a nasty little thing and could use a swift kick in her rump!  When Jon and Sansa ask her for help (all while making the mistake of trying to appeal to her as a child), the 10 year old quickly shuts them down, and uses a considerable amount of shade to do so, especially with Sansa, “Lady Sansa is a Bolton…or are you a Lannister?  I’ve heard conflicting reports.”  Ser Davos steps up to speak, and as we all know, he’s always had a way with children…even the difficult ones.  He tells her about the White Walkers coming, and how all the houses have to band together to fight them.  Lyanna finally agrees and allows Jon to use her soldiers…all 62 of them.  Massive.  Another point for the Starks (sort of).

Riverrun (Another Land of Shade)

Jaime and The Blackfish have their parley.  Jaime threatens to kill Edmure if The Blackfish doesn’t surrender, blah, blah, blah.  The Blackfish knows that Edmure’s dead either way, and he refuses.  Jaime tells him if he surrenders now, his men will be spared.  The Blackfish tells Jaime that he was born at that castle and will die there if need be.  Jaime asks why The Blackfish wanted to parley in the first place, seeing that he has no interest in negotiating.  The Blackfish says he wanted to measure Jaime up in person…and he’s disappointed.  BUUUUURRRRNNNNNN!

House Glover (Suck Castle)

Lord Glover refuses to fight for the Starks due to The Boltons helping him take his house back from The Ironborn.  Jon tries to reason with him, but the minute ol’ boy finds out that The Wildlings are fighting alongside The Starks, he wants nothing to do with the takeover.  Sansa reminds Lord Glover that his house pledged loyalty to House Stark.  He tells Sansa that when the Ironborn took over his house, Robb was too busy getting himself killed to protect his family.  His loyalty to House Stark died with Robb.  Interception.  The Starks lose a point.

Whore Island

Theon and Yara are on some unnamed island full of hoes.  Yara is havin’ a fine old time (yep, she’s a lesbian, or bisexual at the very least.  Seems a bit stereotypical if you ask me), whereas Theon is nervous around all the naked women.  In true Ironborn fashion, Yara makes it clear that she’s sick of Theon’s PTSD and makes him drink a mug full of ale to toughen him up.  She also reveals their plan:  they’re going to Meereen to make a pact with Dany to take back the Iron Islands and overthrow their evil ass uncle.  However, Yara needs the old Theon, not traumatized Theon (she also tells him that if he’s too broken to be himself again, he should slit his wrists.  Man, there’s no love for the mentally distressed with the Ironborn!).  Yara asks if he’s with him.  Theon looks up at Yara with a newfound confidence and nods.  In a show of compassion, Yara gives him a kiss on the forehead, and proceeds to go bang a ho, leaving Theon alone at the table.

Punk Ass Stannis’ Old Camp

Davos, Jon and Sansa arrive at Stannis’ old camp in the North.  Davos says it’s the perfect place due to the surrounding mountains, but Jon announces that he’s not staying there long, just in case a storm hits.  When Davos leaves the siblings to attend to some mess going down with the soldiers, Sansa lets it be known that she doesn’t exactly trust Davos, and that they need more men to take Winterfell.  Jon reminds Sansa that Davos is the reason he’s alive and that he served Stannis for years.  Sansa reminds Jon that Stannis was an asshole that lost Blackwater and later, his own head.  Jon tells her there’s no more time to get more men, and they have to make due with what they have.  Sansa secures a raven and sends a message to someone for further assistance.  I really hope it’s not who folks on the net think it is…

Back at the Beautiful Meadow…

Father McShane and the other happy people (and The Hound) are having a bible study (or maybe just plain church), where the priest speaks on his wrong doings before he became saved and sanctified.  He mentions that it’s never to late to stop robbing or killing people, and it’s never too late to start helping people.  The Hound appears to take the sermon in.  Then, up rides some folks that don’t look too friendly.  They ask for horses, but Father McShane tells them they have no horses or riches.  They ask for food, and Father McShane invites them for supper.  They ride off, but not before saying, “The night is dark and full of terrors.”  Afterwards, The Hound berates the priest for not being more wary of the men.  Father McShane says that fighting them wouldn’t be the answer, and besides, he’s done with fighting.  He feels that violence is a disease that shouldn’t be spread.  He invites The Hound to stop working and get some supper.  The Hound continues chopping wood, since it’s supposed to be a cold night.

Braavos

Arya comes across a Westerosi man and promises him two bags of coins for passage on his ship back to Westeros.  He agrees, and Arya walks off.  She reaches a bridge and takes a look at the city.  An old woman approaches her saying, “Sweet girl?”  Once Arya turns around the woman slices her across the abdomen and stabs her twice in the stomach.  She takes off her mask to reveal that she’s actually the blonde heffa.  Arya head butts the witch and jumps in the water.  The heffa looks over the side of the bridge to see if a body floats up, but it never does.  The blonde heffa looks pleased with herself and leaves.  Dummy.  Arya swims back to the surface, and walks through the city, badly wounded.  She’s scared out of her mind, as she clearly can’t trust anyone.  Any one of the people may be a Faceless Man…

The Not-So-Beautiful Meadow

The Hound finally finishes chopping wood when he hears a scream.  He comes back to the meadow to find everyone massacred.  The men, the women, the children…everyone.  Worse yet, he sees Father McShane hanging by his neck from the unfinished steeple.  The Hound grabs a nearby ax, and goes off in search of those three fools.

Mike - S Just Got Real

And that, my friends, is how the story ends.

This episode was great, as usual, and I loved seeing The Hound’s return.  I can’t wait to see what he does to those three guys.  However, there was something that really disappointed me this week…Arya.  My girl is way too smart to do something that dumb.  You know you’re on the run from assassins that can disguise themselves as anyone and everyone, and you actually walk out in the open?  Then you don’t get suspicious of a random old lady that walks up to you?  Come on!  I’m a bit disappointed in Sansa too, if she did what we all think she did.  She took two steps forward this season, but if she sent that raven to the person we think she sent it to, she basically took ten steps back.  A minuscule gripe that I had this week is that Tyrion and Dany were absent from this episode, and this is actually the second time in a row that Tyrion didn’t make an appearance.  The previews show that he’ll be back next week, though (yay!).  Another cool thing that happens next week is that Jaime and Brienne meet each other again…only this time, they’re rivals!  I’m anxious to see what Arya’s next move is (even though she ticked me off.  Even I knew that old woman was the blonde heffa in disguise!), as well as Margaery’s.  I’m also curious to see if Theon really is the old Theon.  If modern psychology has taught us anything, PTSD and even acute trauma isn’t gone over night, and Yara isn’t exactly the type to sit down and listen to Theon discuss his fears.  Hell, she suggested he should commit suicide!  Lord willin’, I’ll give you guys another recap next week!

—Written by Nadiya

So what did you think about “The Broken Man”?  Did you like seeing The Hound again?  How do you feel about Riverrun?  Do you think Jaime and Bronn will take it?  What about Sansa?  Do you think she sent that raven to you-know-who?  Did you know all along that Margaery was playin’ The High Sparrow, or did you have some doubts like I did?  Did you think Arya taking in the city while she was on the run was a horrible idea?  Will Theon be himself again?  Also, did you miss Tyrion, too?  Give me your thoughts!

“Blood of My Blood” – Recap and Review

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DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK!  Well actually, I do have to call a lot of these characters’ appearances in this episode comebacks because there’s so damn many of them, and we haven’t seen these folks in ages!  Let’s hop to it!

Somewhere in the North

Poor Meera is dragging Bran in the snow, and slowly losing the strength to do it.  Bran is still warged out, seeing images of him falling from the tower, the Mad King ordering folks to be burned, young Ned Stark, Robb being killed, Leaf creating the White Walkers, all that good stuff (or should I say, nightmarish stuff?).  In the meantime, the wights are gaining on them.  Meera can’t go any further and stops.  Bran finally comes out of his trance, and lets Meera know that the wights have caught up to them.  Sure enough Meera sees them and shields Bran, apologizing.  Then, a man who looks a lot like the angel of death, kills all the wights with fire and a sickle.  He orders Meera and Bran to come with him, as more of the wights will return.  Naturally, they go with him and they ride off.

On the Way to Sam’s House

Sam is nervously chatting about his home, and Gilly senses his anxiety.  He tells her about how nasty his father was to him and advises her to tell the family that little Sam (who’s growing like a weed!) is really his, so his dad will take her and the baby in.  Gilly asks what Sam told the family about her.  Sam only told them that he met her up north, but he never said how far north.  He never mentioned she was a wildling, and Sam advises not to even bring the subject up.  When they get to Sam’s House (which rivals the Red Keep…Sam’s folks have money!), they meet up with Sam’s mother and sister, both of which are very sweet.  Sam’s sister even hooks Gilly up with a dress for dinner.  Too bad the shit hits the fan later.

King’s Landing

The time has come for Margaery’s Walk of Atonement, and Tommen’s extremely nervous for her.  The High Sparrow puts his mind at ease and even allows him to see Margaery.  It’s made clear that Tommen has been completely taken in by The High Sparrow, and Margaery appears to be, too…emphasis on appears.  Margaery goes on about how The High Sparrow has opened up her mind and all that jazz, and Tommen just eats it all up like Barney Rubble sittin’ in front of a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

Sam’s House (Douchebag Hall)

It’s dinner time, and Sam’s dad and brother have returned from their hunt.  The once happy reunion has now become so tense, you could cut it with a knife.  All Daddy can do is stare at Sam and Gilly in contempt.  Sam’s uppity brother doesn’t have too much to say either, until Sam initiates small talk.  Sam’s mother offers bread and when he accepts, his dad decides to speak…to criticize his weight.  He then goes on to criticize the fact that Sam is studying to be a maester, and tells him he’s not a real man, since he’s got his nose stuck in books instead of fighting and killing people, because intelligence is the enemy!  Yeah, you’re definitely gettin’ the Father of the Year award.  When he starts going on about how Sam’s probably couldn’t wield a sword, Gilly promptly lets him know that Sam killed a Thenn and a White Walker.  Sam’s know-it-all brother says there’s no such thing as White Walkers.  Gilly lets him know that they do exist and Sam killed one up close and personal.  She even tells them that he’s a greater warrior than either one of them.  BUUUUURRRNNNNN!  The sweet feeling of seeing Gilly tell these fools off is short lived, however.  She mentioned in her rant that they were north of The Wall when they encountered the White Walkers.  Daddy caught that statement and realized that Gilly was a Wildling.  He goes on and on about how Sam’s a disgrace and he won’t inherit their family sword, blah, blah, blah.  He exiles Sam from the house and tells him that Gilly can stay on as the kitchenmaid, and they’ll raise “the bastard.”  After dinner, Sam apologizes to Gilly for his father’s abominable behavior, and she let’s him know that she’s not mad at him.  She’s angry that awful people can treat good people badly and get away with it.  Sam says goodbye to Gilly and leaves the room…and comes right back to get his girl and his baby.  You go, boy!  To make the scene even better, before Sam leaves, he goes in the dining hall and steals the old man’s sword.  That’s gangsta.

Like a Boss

Braavos

The Artist Formerly Known as Arya is watchin’ this blame play again.  This time, they’re depicting The Purple Wedding, and once again, they’re gettin’ shit wrong.  I read something on You Tube’s comments section that definitely rang true about this Braavosi take on Westerosi royalty.  A commentator basically pointed out that with the exception of Sansa and Robert Baratheon, all the characters’ traits are pretty mixed up.  Cersei is seen as loving and kind.  Joffrey is portrayed as a well meaning ruler, who always treats people with respect.  Tyrion is a greedy, menacing and conniving man, only caring about his own selfish needs.  And Ned, of course, is played as a complete idiot that actually wanted to take the throne for himself.  I know it’s all fiction, but their depiction of events astounds me.  They couldn’t be more wrong.  Anyway, Arya is really getting a kick out of Joffrey’s death scene, but she’s visibly moved by the actress’ portrayal of Cersei.  After the performance, she goes backstage to poison the actress’ whiskey.  The actress sees Arya backstage and asks her about her interest in the theatre, seeing as she’s seen her in the audience.  As they speak, Arya sees that the actress is indeed a kind woman, and she praises her performance.  Arya leaves, and the actress is about to drink her poisoned whiskey, all the while being ridiculed by the other performers for proposing Arya’s idea on how to make Cersei’s last speech more realistic.  Just when she’s about to drink the liquor, Arya knocks it out of her hand and tells her that the young actress in the troupe is plotting to have her killed.  She leaves again, but is seen by that damn blonde heffa!

The blonde heffa goes back to snitch on Arya to Jaqen H’ghar (who’s cutting off a dude’s face!  I always knew they cut off the dead folks’ faces, but I don’t wanna see that shit!), just beggin’ to kill Arya.  Jaqen gives her the go ahead, but informs her not to make Arya suffer.  The blonde witch practically skips off in glee.  I have a feeling she’ll go back on her word.  Arya goes to the place where she hid her sword, Needle, and retrieves it, getting ready for the ensuing battle.  A girl may be a cold blooded killer, but only when people are evil and cruel.  Decent people deserve a chance to live.  Hence, Arya Stark is Arya Stark once again.

King’s Landing…Or Should I Say, Jonestown?

The troops have assembled on the streets, and Margaery’s dad gives the weakest battle speech in the history of the world.  The second Margaery’s Walk of Atonement is about to start, Jaime and the troops march up to The Sept, along with Granny Tyrell.  Jaime threatens to kill The Sparrows if Margaery isn’t released.  The High Sparrow claims they’re all ready to die, but there’s no need to fight.  The Walk of Atonement has been cancelled thanks to Margaery bringing another person into the faith.  And who shows up as the new poster boy for The Seven?  Tommen.  Oh yes, The High Sparrow is playing him like a fiddle.  Now this man pretty much has absolute power, a fact that Granny Tyrell actually has to explain to her son (this guy must be adopted).  To add insult to injury, Tommen fires Jaime from the Kingsguard for going against The High Septon.  Wow.  On a side note, now that The High Sparrow is more powerful than the king, can he at least take a bath?  Their scriptures say you have to be humble, not filthy.

Walder Frey’s House (Jeffrey Dahmer’s Wet Dream)

Walder Frey’s evil ass is back, and he’s pissed that Sansa’s great uncle has taken Riverrun over again.  He’s whining to his son about taking the castle back, but his son and the other men are saying they don’t have the manpower to do so, nor the leverage.  He tells them to show the Blackfish the weapons they used to kill Robb, Catelyn and Talisa as leverage, and if that doesn’t work, they have a further bargaining chip…  That’s when they bring out Edmure Tully, who’s apparently been locked up all this time in Frey’s dungeon.  By the way, Edmure is played by none other than Tobias Menzies, who also plays Frank/Black Jack Randall in “Outlander”!  He’s great in that show (check my recaps/reviews on “Outlander” if you’re interested).  Anyway, Frey let’s Edmure know that he’s “going home.”  I don’t see this ending well for him.

Flowers In the King’s Landing Attic

Jaime tells Cersei about him getting fired by Tommen and how he’s been reassigned to take back Riverrun.  Damn, everyone’s after this damn castle, aren’t they?  Cersei reminds him that being reassigned is better than being in the Sept dungeon.  Jaime would rather kill The High Sparrow for corrupting Tommen and humiliating Cersei, but Cersei tells him to be patient and go ahead and take the castle back.  Jaime doesn’t want to leave her alone when she’s on trial, but Cersei lets him know that it’s going to be a trial by combat, and she has The Mountain.  I remember the last time The Mountain participated in a trial by combat.  It wasn’t pretty.  Cersei goes on to tell him that in time, their enemies will see just how powerful they are (if that show at the Sept was any demonstration, y’all really need to get your shit together).  Then Jaime and Cersei start making out.  It would be touching and romantic…if they weren’t brother and sister.

Okay

A Forest With Lots of Snow

Meera watches her and Bran’s newfound savior fill up a cup with animal blood (ill!) and asks why he helped them.  He answers that The Three Eyed Raven sent for him.  When Meera tells him that The Three Eyed Raven is dead, he tells her that now he lives again.  Bran wakes up from one of his freaky-deaky dreams, and the mysterious man says the last time he saw Bran, he was a little boy.  Bran asks who he is, and he takes off the hood and scarf covering his face, revealing himself.  It’s Benjen Stark!  And he looks half-dead!  Hey, I thought he was all the way dead!  Turns out that Benjen was attacked by the White Walkers and almost made into one, but The Children (Leaf’s people) found him and shoved some dragonglass into his heart to stop the process, hence the reason he looks slightly zombiefied.  He tells Bran that he has to learn how to control his power before the Night King comes, and he gives him the blood to drink (gross!).  Benjen says that one day, the king will encounter the humans, and Bran will be ready when that time comes.

Somewhere In the Desert

Dany and Daario are riding along with the Dothraki when she asks him how many ships it would take for all of them and the Unsullied to sail to Westeros.  Daario estimates it would be about one thousand.  He also comments that she’s a conqueror, not just a queen.  She appears flattered, but she still has every intention of taking the Seven Kingdoms.  She makes the horde stop and wait for her as she rides off.  Some time passes, and Daario is about to go looking for her, when a large shadow looms over their heads.  It’s Drogon, and that bad boy has gotten even bigger!  When he lands, we see Dany mounting him.  She tells everyone that the khals would always choose three bloodriders to fight alongside them, but she is no khal, and wants all the Dothraki to fight with her.  She asks them if they will ride with her across the sea and help her conquer the Seven Kingdoms just as Khal Drogo promised he would.  They wholeheartedly stand by her and cheer.  Even Daario is moved, and Drogon lets out a battle cry.  Take a lesson, Daddy Tyrell.  That’s how you give a war speech.

Once again, this episode did not disappoint, and it was great to see all the faces, good and evil alike.  I always wondered what happened to Benjen and Edmure, and now a piece of the puzzle has been solved.  That’s one cool thing about this season:  it’s answering questions that we as the audience have always had.  We even got to see whether or not Sam’s dad is the bastard he always said he was, and it turns out the dude is much worse!  My only gripe with this episode was that Tyrion was missing, and no, fake Tyrion playing a murderous asshole in a wack play is not a substitute.  Another point…this didn’t bother me, but I couldn’t help but notice that for the first time ever I believe (excluding the very first episode), we didn’t visit The Wall.  That tripped me out a little, considering that nearly every episode this season opens up with The Wall.  Despite all that, this episode was fantastic, and now I’m really excited to see Arya’s showdown with that blonde heffa.  Man, I hope Arya skewers her.

—Written by Nadiya

So what did y’all think about “Blood of My Blood?”  Was it another great episode of “Game of Thrones,” or do you think it was weak as all get out?  Do you think Arya will survive the blonde heffa’s wrath?  Did you miss Tyrion this episode?  What did you think about Sam’s father?  Were you happy to see Walder Frey, Benjen and Edmure again?  Which war speech did you prefer:  Lord Tyrell’s or Dany’s?  Also, do you feel like Margaery is playing a game, or do you think she really has embraced the faith?  What do you think about Tommen being manipulated?  Give me your thoughts!

“The Door” – Recap and Review

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Sorry I’m late to the party, y’all.  Got a little busy with some spring cleaning yesterday (and I still have some to finish up).  Well…let’s do this!

The Wall

The show always starts at The Wall this season, doesn’t it?  Anyway, Sansa’s stitching something together when she gets a letter from someone, asking her to meet up in Mole’s Town.  Sansa and Brienne get there, and see Littlefinger’s no good ass.  Sansa goes in on him for selling her to Ramsay, telling him about the abuse she suffered at his hands.  Littlefinger tries to convince Sansa that he’s still on her side (boy, bye), but she’s not tryin’ to hear it, and tells him that she never wants to see him again.  She also rejects his help in taking the North (yeah, girl!  I’m lovin’ Sansa this season).  Before he leaves, Littlefinger lets her know that her great-uncle has taken control of Riverrun, and has the Tully forces behind him.  They can possibly help her take back the North.  Sansa tells him that she has her brother’s army, and Littlefinger can’t resist throwing shade at the fact that Jon’s her half-brother.  God, he irks me.

Braavos

The Artist Formerly Known as Arya is sparring with that blonde heffa once again, and even though Arya has her sight back, the blonde heffa bests yet again…this time without the damn stick.  I have to admit, even though I can’t stand that witch, the way she took Arya out is pretty badass.  I found out that she’s known as “The Waif,” but I’m gonna keep calling her the blonde heffa.  I like that name better.  Anyway, the blonde heffa mocks Arya, saying that she’ll never be one of the Faceless Men, when Jaqen H’ghar shows up.  He tells Arya the heffa has a point, due to the fact that the Faceless Men are usually slaves and what have you, not noblemen or noblewomen.  He then gives Arya another assignment:  to kill an actress.

Arya goes to the play that features the actress, and it turns out to be a production about Westeros, namely the Lannisters.  Arya’s enjoying the play…until they feature Ned Stark as a complete idiot.  Not only that, but they recreate Ned’s execution, and reveal to Arya that Sansa eventually married Tyrion.  Keep in mind that Arya was with the Hound when Sansa was forced to marry Tyrion, so she had no idea that happened, and she doesn’t look too happy about it.  Arya goes on to scope out the actress she’s assigned to kill, and she seems to be a nice lady.  Arya goes back to tell Jaqen how she can poison the woman, and also tells him that the actress appears to be decent.  Jaqen says that a price has been paid, and the execution will go on as scheduled.  Well, damn!  So much for the House of Black and White sojourning for truth and justice for all!  Arya deduces that the younger actress that played Sansa put the hit out on the lady out of jealousy, and Jaqen warns her that a servant of the Many Faced God does not ask questions.

The Three Eyed Raven’s Cave

Bran wargs out and learns that Leaf’s people created the White Walkers (whaaatttt?).  When he awakens, Leaf tells Bran that they created them to protect themselves against human beings that were cutting down their sacred trees and treating the Earth like shit.  What is this, a homicidal version of Ferngully?

The Iron Islands (Land of Assholes)

The day of the Kingsmoot has arrived.  It’s basically a political debate, and Yara gives her speech about how she’ll be a great queen.  However, the chauvinistic assholes of the Iron Islands put her down and say that Theon should be king, since he’s the male heir of Balon Greyjoy.  Theon speaks up for Yara just as he promised (oh yeah, and he got a haircut!  He looks like how he did in the first three seasons!), and it looks like Yara has the Kingsmoot won.  Then, Euron shows up.  He goes on to make fun of Theon getting captured by Ramsay and Yara losing the castle she took hold of, and even throws a dick joke in there.  Funny.  Yara accuses Euron of killing Balon, and this fool doesn’t even deny it!  Not only that, but the idiots of the Iron Islands don’t say a word about this fool killing the king!  Euron goes on to make another damn dick joke at Theon’s expense, and says that he’ll take a fleet of ships to Meereen and unite with Dany to take over the seven kingdoms by marrying her (oh yeah, and he manages to throw in a third dick joke.  Ha, ha.).  Dany don’t want your ugly ass!  Just like that, Euron is elected king.  While going through his inauguration (which involves him nearly drowning), Yara, Theon and a few other Ironborn folks get the hell out of dodge.  When Euron recovers (’cause you know, evil never dies!), he asks, “Where’s my niece and nephew?  Let’s murder them!”  And whaddya know?  Half the damn island goes with Euron to murder Yara and Theon.  This is why I can’t stand the Ironborn.  When he and his flunkies go to look for them, they see that Yara and Theon’s crew not only left, but they took the best ships of the fleet.  Euron makes his first decision as king, and demands everyone to cut down every tree they can find (what damn trees?  All I ever see on those ugly ass islands are rocks and grey skies!) and have the women sew sails so they can build more ships and track them down.  That’ll give them a six month head start against you, idiot.

Vaes Dothrak

Dany is speaking with Jorah and Daario in private, where she tells Jorah that although she’s banished him twice, he saved her life, so she can’t take him back or send him away.  Jorah says that he must send her away because he has greyscale, and he shows her how much it’s spread up his arm.  He finally admits that he loves her and walks away from her.  Dany makes him stop, and commands him to find a cure for the greyscale and to come back to her when he’s well, as she needs him by her side when she takes the seven kingdoms.  Dany then rides off with the Dothraki, while Jorah watches.  That’s it.  I expected more after last week.  I will say that I liked Dany’s hair this episode.

Meereen

Tyrion, Varys, Missandei and Grey Worm have another political pow wow, where the discuss the lack of killings that have taken place since the agreement was made between Meereen and Slaver’s Bay.  Varys is happy that a “fragile peace” has been made, but Tyrion says that it’s not enough.  They need someone to let it be known that Dany is responsible for that peace.  They have an audience with Kinvara, another priestess of the Lord of Light (Lord, have mercy).  Kinvara sees Dany as the princess that was promised, just like Melisandre sees Jon as the prince that was promised (and before that, Stannis).  I couldn’t help but notice that Kinvara has the same necklace that Melisandre does.  I wonder if she turns into an old hag when she takes it off.  Kinvara is more than happy to spread the word (and even mentions to have non-believers burned, much to Tyrion’s disagreement), but Varys shows that he doesn’t trust her, and compares her ramblings to Melisandre’s.  Kinvara tells him that horrible things happen for a reason, and that Varys’ castration led to him being a great and powerful man.  She even brings up the fact that a name was called out when Varys’ privates were thrown in the fire, and asks if he’d like to know the name that was called.  For the first time in the history of the series, Varys looks shook.  Kinvara tells him that if he’s Dany’s true friend, he has nothing to fear.  Sure…

The Three Eyed Raven’s Cave…Once Again

Everyone in the cave is asleep, except for Bran, who’s clearly bored.  He tries to wake The Three Eyed Raven up by throwing shit at him, but to no avail.  So, to pass the time, he decides to warg on his own.  When he does, he finds himself standing amongst an army full of wights.  He walks past all of them, and comes across the king of the White Walkers himself, who looks right at Bran!  Then, the other wights notice him, and the king shows up right behind Bran and grabs his arm.  Bran wakes up screaming, awakening the others.  The Three Eyed Raven knows that the king touched Bran, and sure enough, there’s a mark on Bran’s arm.  Now that Bran has the mark, not only does the king know where he is, but he now has the ability to come inside the cave.  The Three Eyed Raven tells Bran that they must leave, and that the time has come for Bran to become him.  Bran asks him if he’s ready for that, and The Three Eyed Raven answers, “No.”  Way to go, Bran.  Suddenly, Bran wargs out again.

Back to The Wall!

Jon and the others are preparing strategy to take Winterfell.  At first it seems hopeless, but Jon thinks of houses that will help, and Sansa tells them about her uncle reinforcing the Tully’s troops (although she says that she learned that info from a raven that Ramsay received).  Sansa tasks Brienne with going to Riverrun to ask for her uncle’s help, but Brienne doesn’t like the idea of leaving Sansa alone with Ser Davos, Melisandre or Tormund (aka “that Wildling fellow with the beard!”  Ha, ha!).  Sansa insists that Jon will keep her safe.  Brienne asks if that’s the case, why did Sansa lie about how she found out about her uncle’s army?  Sansa doesn’t give an answer.  Later, Sansa gives Jon a present; a fur coat with her father’s sigil imprinted on the leather strap.  That’s what she was stitching earlier.  Jon thanks her for the present (another touching moment…aww!), and he says goodbye to Edd.  When they ride off, Edd is officially made the acting Lord Commander (“Shall we close the gate, Lord Commander?”  “I’m not the Lord—  Oh.  Yeah, close the bloody gate.”).

Shit Just Got Real… (The Three Eyed Raven’s Cave)

Meera is getting their things together, and telling Hodor how much she can’t wait to leave the cave and eat some good food.  Hodor agrees as only he can.  She senses something is amiss and goes outside.  Sure enough, the wight army is there, with the King of the White Walkers.  Yikes.  Those mofo’s didn’t waste any time, did they?  Leaf tells Meera to get Bran and run, and tries to hold them off as best she can using supernatural grenades.  The wight army and the White Walkers just walk right through that crap.  Meera tries to wake Bran up, but she can’t.  Bran’s dreaming of Winterfell once again, with Young Ned, Lyanna and Wylis (Hodor).  The Three Eyed Raven is with him.  Back in the cave, poor Hodor is scared out of his mind, and cowering.  Meera begs him to help her put Bran on the cart, but he’s too frightened to even move.  The wights make their way in the cave, and Meera has to fight them off.  Bran still won’t wake up.  Meera shakes him and tells him that they need Hodor and he has to warg into him.  The Three Eyed Raven tells Bran to listen to her, and he wargs into Hodor.  Hodor grabs the cart and pulls Bran away.  Meera and Leaf’s people continue to fight the White Walkers and the wights, and Meera succeeds in killing one of the White Walkers.  Summer the direwolf goes after the wights to protect her master and gets killed.  Damn, that basically means that Ghost and Nymeria are the only ones left!  As the others run off, the king enters the cave and prepares to kill The Three Eyed Raven.  In the dream, he tells Bran that the time has come and he must leave him.  The king kills him in the cave, and the Three Eyed Raven’s image in the dream disintegrates.  The wights catch up with the others, and Leaf sacrifices herself by allowing the wights to attack her before she blows them up with one of her grenades.  They reach the door at the back of the cave, and Hodor pushes it open.  Meera takes Bran and runs off saying, “Hold the door!”  In the dream, Wylis hears this and wargs out, having a seizure.  At the cave, Hodor holds the door shut as the wights try to break their way through.  Back in the dream, everyone sees Wylis having a seizure and runs to his aid.  All he can manage to say is, “Hold the door!  Hold the door!”  Then it becomes slurred:  “Holddadoor, holddadoor!”  Then it’s shortened to, “Holdoor!  Holdoor!”  Then eventually, the phrase becomes, “Hodor…hodor…hodor…”  All Bran can do is watch in horror, knowing that he’s responsible for Hodor becoming Hodor.  Meanwhile, Hodor holds the door as Meera and Bran vanish into the blizzard, and the wights tear him apart.  *Sob*  RIP Hodor.

This was a great episode, although I was bit disappointed with Dany’s arc.  Next week’s preview shows that we’ll see a little bit more from her.  I was so sad to see Hodor go.  I have to say though, it was really interesting to learn how he actually became Hodor.  This means that Bran warging into the past can effect the future.  Arya’s storyline has me intrigued as well.  Will she go along with killing the actress?  Also, it’s clear she will never completely sever the ties she has with her family.  Does the blonde heffa have a point about her never becoming one of the Faceless Men?  And back to the acting troupe that Arya’s infiltrated, I’ve noticed that everybody and their mama on the internet is havin’ a fit about the young actor showing his junk.  Personally, I don’t understand why.  It’s not like full frontal male nudity has never been shown on “Game of Thrones” before.  Back on subject, where are Yara and Theon going?  Are they going to try to start an alliance with Dany themselves?  That’ll be interesting to see as well.  And how ’bout Sansa?  I love the way that child has grown up and gotten tough this season!  By the way, I just realized something…if I’m not mistaken, this is the only “Game of Thrones” episode that didn’t feature Kings Landing or the Lannisters (not counting Tyrion, since he’s “against” them now)!  I have to say, the show was still enjoyable, nonetheless!  Besides, they’ll be back next week to go against The High Sparrow.  Stay tuned!

—Written by Nadiya

So what did you think about “The Door?”  Did you cry at the end?  Will you miss Hodor?  Do you think Bran will ever wake up, or is he lost in his dream?  Do you think Arya will truly be a Faceless Woman?  Also, what did you think about that play?  Are the Faceless Men people that kill for the greater good, or are they just cold blooded assassins?  What about Sansa?  How do you like her change in character?  Do you think Tyrion asking the priestess for help was a good thing or a bad thing?  Do you think Varys can trust her?  How about Theon and Yara?  Where do you think they’re going, or do you think they were just getting away from Euron’s crazy ass because they knew he’d kill them?  Give me your thoughts!

 

“Book of the Stranger” – Recap and Review

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If y’all missed this week’s episode of “Game of Thrones,” I highly suggest that you get your butt to HBO On Demand, HBO Go or HBO Now and start watchin’.  Also, this recap/review has some major spoilers, just like my other recaps/reviews, so if you haven’t seen the show yet, don’t read the rest of this until you do.  Otherwise, let’s get this party started, boo.

The Wall

As fate would have it, Jon hasn’t left Castle Black just yet; he’s still packing.  Edd (his buddy!  I finally found out his name!) tries to get him to stay, but Jon says that he can’t stay at The Wall after his own brothers killed him, and I can’t say I blame him.  Just then, guests arrive at the gates.  It’s Sansa, Podrick and Brienne!  Jon sees Sansa, and after staring at each other in complete shock, they run into each other’s arms and embrace.  That was so sweet.  Finally, two of the Stark children are reunited (and right after I ranted about them always just missing each other in my last post)!  Later that night, Sansa and Jon are having dinner and reminiscing on old times.  Sansa remembers what a spoiled brat she was and asks Jon to forgive her for being so horrible.  Jon tells her there’s nothing to forgive, but she insists, so he forgives her anyway.  Sansa asks where Jon will go now, but he makes it clear that he’s not going anywhere without her.  Sansa tells him the only place they can go is back to Winterfell.  Jon thinks that’s a crazy idea, considering that the Boltons have control of the place, but Sansa suggests fighting for it.  Sansa’s gettin’ a little bit bold, isn’t she?  Jon tells her he’s tired of fighting.  All he’s done is fight ever since he left Winterfell:  Wildlings, White Walkers, deserters, traitors…he’s tired.  Sansa lets him know that if they don’t take Winterfell back, they’ll never be safe.  Sansa really has come a long way from that spoiled little girl we met in the first season.

Ser Davos sees Melisandre outside and asks her if she’ll leave Castle Black.  She says she’ll do whatever Jon Snow commands.  Davos asks if she serves Jon now, and she tells him that he was the “prince that was promised.”  Oh, Lord.  Davos asks what happened with Stannis, and Melisandre walks off like, “Fuck Stannis.”  Yeah, fuck Stannis.  Davos asks her what happened with Stannis, and she lets him know his army was defeated.  Then Davos asks about Shireen.  Man, I couldn’t wait to hear her answer!  Unfortunately, Brienne interrupted the convo and tells them she saw what happened, but she only mentions that Stannis got his ass handed to him, and she killed him (good riddance).  She also mentioned that she still remembers how Renly was killed by Melisandre’s demon baby, and although it’s in the past, she won’t forgive that or forget it.  Melisandre, you might wanna get the hell out of Castle Black and the hell away from Brienne.

The Vale

Robyn Arryn has grown in size, but not in mentality or strength.  We see him trying to shoot an arrow at a stationary target and hitting the damn grass each time.  He’s worse than I was in 9th grade gym class!  While he’s “practicing,” who shows up?  None other than that damn Littlefinger!  He brings Robyn a doggone gyrfalcon or whatever, and that has the boy’s full attention.  It’s like giving me an LL Cool J picture when I was 15 years old.  Nothing or no one else matters after that.  A grey haired dude asks Littlefinger how and why Sansa ended up married to Ramsay Bolton when she was supposed to be heading to The Fingers with him.  Littlefinger tells a boldfaced lie about being surrounded by Bolton forces or some bullshit, and accuses the grey guy of giving away their position to the Boltons, since he was the only person that knew where they were going.  He then lets it be known that Robyn has the power to execute the guy for treason.  Littlefinger really is a dirty bastard.  Robyn, who’s still focusing on the doggone bird, suggests throwing the guy through the moon door, and asks his Uncle Peytr if it’s a good idea.  Thankfully, Littlefinger advises against it.  He lets Robyn know that Sansa escaped from Ramsey’s grasp, and young Robyn, being slow on the uptake, finally catches on that they should help her.  I can’t help but wonder what Littlefinger’s real objective is, because I know he has one.  I know his intention with Robyn is to make him his puppet, but what’s the deal with Sansa?  First he sells her to Ramsay, then he goes on a “rescue mission” for her?  WTF?

Meereen

Tyrion invites the slave masters from Astapor, Yunkai and Volantis to Meereen, and Grey Worm and Missandei are none too happy about it.  Tyrion lets them know that negotiations are in order to stop them from funding the Sons of the Harpy, but Grey Worm and Missandei don’t like the fact that they’re letting the enemy into the city.  Tyrion reminds them that he was a slave for about two days, and he knows the horrors of that situation.  Missandei reminds him that two days don’t mean shit.  Tyrion meets with the slave masters, and negotiates that slavery will never return to Meereen, but that in their respective cities, they end slavery in seven years time.  That way they have some transition time to find a new method of income.  He even brings in some hoes to satisfy them for good measure.  Once again, Grey Worm and Missandei are none too happy, and neither are the citizens of Meereen.  Grey Worm and Missandei chastise Tyrion for his politics, arguing that seven years is not a short time for a slave (very true).  Tyrion tells them that slavery is a horrible practice that should be abolished, but war is as well, and he can’t prevent both of them at the same time.  Grey Worm and Missandei still disagree with him, and let him know that he can’t trust the slave masters.  Tyrion tells them that he doesn’t trust the masters per se, but what he does trust is their arrogance and misgivings about them all.  Grey Worm and Missandei ain’t buyin’ it.  I can definitely see both points of view on this.  Grey Worm and Missandei were slaves all their lives, so I understand why they’re so against the idea of negotiating with the slave masters.  Tyrion, on the other hand, is very intelligent and good at reading people, as well as handling political matters, so he knows that a bit of diplomacy will go a long way.  With politics, it’s never gonna be 100% great for everyone involved.  Take Obamacare.  The folks that wanted it made sure that it had some groundbreaking features (lowered premiums for folks with low incomes), but I’m sure that the fools that were against it added some shit that irritates the hell out of people (those damn tax penalties).

Vaes Dothrak

Jorah and Daario finally arrive at Vaes Dothrak (took y’all long enough!), and they start having a pissing contest over who should hold Dany’s heart.  Sorry, I still have to say it should be Daario.  Jorah is too damn old for Dany (which is a point that Daario makes countless times during the pissing contest).  Jorah tells Daario that they’ll go to get Dany at nightfall, and instructs him to get rid of all his weapons, since it’s illegal to carry them into the sacred city.  Daario refuses to get rid of one of his knives, though.  When Jorah takes it, Daario notices the greyscale spreading up Jorah’s arm.  Jorah assures him that none of it touched Daario.  Daario asks Jorah if he knows what will eventually happen to him.  Jorah tells him he does.  When night falls, Daario and Jorah head into the city, posing as merchants.  Two Dothraki spot them and aren’t fooled by the ruse.  Daario manages to break one’s neck and he stabs the other one with his knife (how did he get it back?).  Jorah tells him that when the Dothraki see the man with a stab wound, they’ll scour the city looking for them.  Daario proceeds to bash the guy’s head in with a rock.  Ouch.

Dany is in the temple with the other Dosh Khaleens, being hated on by the older heffas because she’s a foreigner.  The head Dosh Khaleen tells Dany that the older women are idiots and the Dothraki have always had “diluted blood.”  She goes on to tell the story of a younger widowed Khaleesi in the group from Lhazareen that was married off when she was twelve.  The young girl gave the khal a daughter, and in return, he gave her a broken rib.  Dick.  Dany excuses herself to pee, and the Lhazareen Khaleesi goes with her to show her where the bathroom is, or the urine hole.  I know damn well there wasn’t a toilet or port-a-john out there.  They make small talk about how the old women stink all to be damned and Dany’s dragons when Daario and Jorah emerge from the shadows.  Daario holds his knife to the other Khaleesi’s throat, but Dany instructs him not to hurt her.  They try to get her to leave right then, but Dany lets them know that they’ll never get out of Vaes Dothrak alive if they do that.  She has a better plan, and she commands them to help her, and also asks the other Khaleesi not to betray her plans.  The other queen agrees.

King’s Landing

Margaery is still locked up, and Septa Unella (the psychotic nun) lets her out to speak to The High Sparrow.  He asks who Margaery would seek out if she were released, and she basically tells him that she’d go to her family.  He writes that off as her seeking out sin, since they have money and power, and he goes on to wax poetic about how he became saved and sanctified.  After the talk, he takes her to see her brother.  When Margaery sees him, he’s not in good shape at all.  He’s cowering and begging for the nightmare to end.  Margaery tries to get him to stay strong, but he can’t do it.  She tries to tell him that if they give in, The High Sparrow wins, but Loras still doesn’t care.  All he wants is for his suffering to end.  Margaery holds him in her arms and reluctantly agrees.

Back at the Red Keep, Pycelle is talking with Tommen when Cersei walks in.  Cersei demands to know what Pycelle is doing, and ol’ boy actually shows a bit of backbone and tells her straight up that he’s advising the king.  Cersei demands that he leave, and Pycelle stays put until Tommen dismisses him.  Before Pycelle leaves, he and Cersei exchange a look.  Seems to me that Pycelle is finally tired of Cersei’s abuse.  Tommen tries to convince Cersei not to antagonize The High Sparrow, but she won’t hear of it.  Tommen then confides in Cersei that Margaery is going to make her own Walk of Atonement.  Cersei and Jaime run up in the small council meeting again, wanting to be heard.  Granny Tyrell and Uncle Kevan are about to walk out on her ass again, but this time, Cersei has the upper hand when she lets them know that Margaery is going to be the one walking down the streets naked this time.  Jaime suggests that Granny Tyrell use her army to storm The Sept and get Margaery out, since Tommen ordered the Kingsguard to stand down.  Oleanna agrees to this, but Kevan is still unsure about the idea.  Cersei reminds him that Lancel has been brainwashed by The High Sparrow as well, and asks if he wants he son back.  Kevan admits he does, and goes along with the plan.  Cersei learned an important lesson this episode:  if you stop talking about yourself all the damn time, and at least appear to care about someone else, and you’ll actually get shit done.

The Wack Ass Iron Islands, Where PTSD Victims Can Go Straight to Hell!

Theon returns to the Iron Islands.  *Sigh*  When he sees Yara again, she immediately chastises him for betraying her men and causing their deaths.  Theon apologizes and tries to explain—with tears streaming down his face, no less—that Ramsay broke him into a thousand pieces.  Yara continues to be cold to Theon and tells him that she knew Ramsay broke him into a thousand pieces.  She and her father actually received one of his pieces.  She accuses him of coming back just to seize the Salt Throne, but Theon lets her know that he came back to help her take it.  This scene got on my last nerve.  Yara actually blamed Theon for being too traumatized to escape with the Ironborn.  The man was physically tortured, psychologically tortured, had his penis severed from his body, and was forced to sleep in the kennels with the dogs.  Yara, on the other hand, had shields, swords and God know what other weapons to fight off those dogs, but the minute Ramsay siced them on her, she ran with her tail between her legs (pun slightly intended).  Yeah, blame Theon.

Winterfell

Ramsay has Osha sent to him and starts asking her if he knows who he is.  Osha, who’s unimpressed, replies that he’s a lord.  Ramsay goes on to ask if she saw his banner with the flayed man symbol, and Osha asks if he eats the men when he’s done.  Ramsay lets her know that he hasn’t quite reached that level of crazy yet.  “Then I’ve seen worse,” Osha tells him.  Burn!  Well, not really.  Ramsay’s crazy ass actually liked that shit.  He asks about Osha’s time with the Starks, and she tells them she only served them because she was forced to do so, and she only continued protecting Rickon because he may have brought her a good price if she sold him.  Ramsay lets her know that Rickon is no longer hers to sell, and Osha proceeds to seduce him…all while trying to reach the knife the fool was using for his dinner.  Osha reaches it the second Ramsay tells her that Theon mentioned how Osha helped Bran and Rickon escape previously.  Before she can use the knife against Ramsay, he quickly stabs her in the neck with the knife he was using to cut an apple.  Osha dies on the floor, as Ramsay watches.  Afterwards, he wipes the blood off the knife and continues eating the doggone apple.  Damn.  Rest in peace, Osha.

Back to The Wall!

Sansa, Jon and everyone else is at the dinner table eating…something.  Jon’s tearin’ his whatever up, while Sansa is trying to figure out what the hell it is.  Brienne just watches everyone else eating like they’ve never seen food before, and Tormund is watching her like he wants to hit that…badly.  I swear I lost my junk when I saw that.  What made it even funnier is that Edd looks at the two of them like, “Okaaaay…”  A message is delivered to the Lord Commander (Jon).  Jon lets him know that he’s not the Lord Commander anymore, but the messenger just stands there with the letter extended towards him.  Resigned, Jon takes it and reads it.  The letter is from Ramsay’s crazy ass, who lets Jon know that he has Rickon, and he wants Sansa back.  If Sansa isn’t returned, Ramsay promises to kill all the Wildlings, have his soldiers gang rape Sansa, sic the dogs on Rickon and later sic the dogs on Jon too, but not before gouging his eyes out.  This guy makes Hannibal Lector look balanced.  Jon asks how many people Ramsay has in his army, and Sansa tells him that he has about 5,000.  He then asks Tormund how many Wildlings are available, and he tells him they only have about 2,000.  Dammit.  Jon is still reluctant to fight, but Sansa reminds him that their little brother is in grave danger.  They need to save him and take their house back.  Jon agrees.  Sansa has a little bit of Arya in her after all.

Vaes Dothrak…You In Danger, Girl

It’s the big night of Dany’s “trial.”  First, the khals discuss the dude that got his head bashed in with a rock.  The discussion basically ends with “fuck that guy” and they call Dany in to decide her fate.  The khal that captured her recommends that she become a Dosh Khaleen, but the others are hellbent on raping her.  Dany asks them if any of them care what she thinks.  Of course, they tell her they don’t, never mind the fact that they’re deciding her future.  Dany goes on to talk about her time with Khal Drogo, and how the Dosh Khaleen predicted that her son would mount the world, and how Drogo promised to cross the Dothraki Sea and conquer the seven kingdoms.  The khals continue to disrespect her, like morons.  Dany points out that while Khal Drogo made serious plans, all they talk about is how many women they can rape and how many horses they can steal.  She tells them they’re not worthy of leading the Dothraki…but she is.  The khal that captured her tells her she won’t be a Dosh Khaleen, but their personal plaything to rape, and if there’s anything left, she’ll be thrown to the bloodriders and later to the horses so they can have their way with her.  He goes on to say that they would never serve her.  Dany lets them know that they won’t be serving her…they’re going to die.  Before they can say anything else, Dany starts throwing down the fire lamps, and the flames immediately spread towards the khals.  It’s almost as if the temple were doused in gasoline.  The khals try to get out, but the door’s been barred, and the guards outside are dead.  I’m sure that was Jorah and Daario’s doing.  Dany knocks down one last lamp, and light ’em up, flame on!  The khals are gone!  All the other Dothraki people see the temple in flames.  As they run to it and watch the temple burn, they see Dany emerge.  Her clothes are burned off, but she’s completely unscathed.  They all kneel to her in reverence.  That’s right, bow down, bitches.  Now Dany has control of the Unsullied and the entire Dothraki.  That’s boss.

I was waiting for something BIG to happen, and something BIG did happen.  Jon and Sansa are reunited, and Sansa’s ain’t playin’ any games.  I love how she was the one that had to be strong for Jon, and not the other way around.  Sometime women can uplift the men.  I really felt for Tyrion.  As an African-American woman, I’m sickened by the thought of slavery as well, so I definitely got where Grey Worm and Missandei were coming from.  Tyrion, on the other hand, had to take the best action that would placate the evil ass slave owners, and he got torn a new butthole for it.  He just can’t fit in anywhere.  I can’t wait to see how Theon will help Yara get the Salt Throne.  That’s going to be interesting.  I just hope she can get her head out of her ass long enough to see that he’s traumatized and only wanted to come home to find some peace.  That Dany scene was fire (pun intended)!  I’m really excited to see what she does with the Dothraki and the Unsullied!  By season seven, she should be sailin’ to Westeros (let’s hope)!  Needless to say, I really enjoyed this episode.  Stay tuned to see what happens next week!

—Written by Nadiya

So what did y’all think about “Book of the Stranger”?  Was it one of the best episodes of the season, or was it hot garbage?  What do y’all think about Tyrion’s dilemma?  Was he right or wrong for allowing slavery to go on for another seven years?  Did you shed a tear when Jon and Sansa saw each other again?  What do you think about Tormund and Brienne?  Y’all wanna see that happen or what?  Is Yara being an insensitive bitch to Theon, or is her attitude justified?  Lastly, what do y’all think about Dany burnin’ the hell out of those khals, and do you think she’s rallied enough folks behind her to take the Iron Throne?  Give me your thoughts!

 

 

“Oathbreaker” – Recap and Review

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The Wall

Ser Davos must’ve thought deep down that bringing Jon back was a bit farfetched, because as soon as Jon begins breathing and sits up, he’s genuinely shocked.  Jon’s equally shocked that he’s alive, as he remembers Olly stabbing him in the heart (the fact that Olly delivered the death strike, and in the heart no less, makes the situation even sadder).  Melisandre rushes in and asks what he saw when he died.  Jon tells her he saw nothing.  Well, that’s a bummer.  Then Melisandre starts going on about how Jon may be the prince to rule the world instead of Stannis…blah, blah.  God, I hope she doesn’t become the Melisandre of old and starts giving birth to more demon babies and performing blood sacrifices on children.  I was just starting to like her.  Davos sympathizes with how Jon must be feeling.  Jon admits that he doesn’t know why he’s back, and isn’t sure what to do at this point.  Davos tells him to go on fighting.  Jon says the last time he fought, he failed.  Davos tells him to fail again.  Later, Jon greets his men, including Tormund and his buddy.  Tormund tells Jon that everyone thinks he’s a god, but Jon dismisses the idea.  Tormund agrees, saying that he couldn’t be a god, because his dick is too small.  I cracked up at that line.  Jon’s buddy asks if he’s still the same Jon Snow, and Jon says he thinks he is.  He tells a joke about holding off on the funeral pyre, and his buddy asks again if he’s sure he’s himself, seeing as the old Jon didn’t have a sense of humor.  That gets another laugh out of Jon.

The Middle of Damn Nowhere

An extremely seasick Sam and Gilly are in the middle of the ocean, traveling to the Citadel.  Well, Sam’s traveling to the Citadel.  Gilly learns that she and the baby are going to Sam’s family home while he completes his studies.  Sam argues that the Citadel is no place for a woman, and that Gilly would be safer with his mother.  Gilly’s a bit disappointed, but she resigns herself to the idea.  Sam tells her that he’d feel better if she blessed him out and threw something at him.  Gilly says she’d never do that to the father of her child.  Awwww!!  Sam smiles at that statement, and pukes.

The Three Eyed Raven’s Cave

Bran and The Three Eyed Raven are wargin’ out again, and this time, they see young Ned Stark riding with Howland Reed, Meera’s father.  Dang, fate is a trip!  Now young Ned is a bit older—maybe in his late teens or early twenties—as opposed to the last dream, where he looked to be about eleven or twelve.  Apparently Ned is trying to save Lyanna, who may be locked in a nearby tower.  Ser Arthur Dayne shows up as Ned’s opposition.  Of course, a sword fight breaks out.  Now, here’s the thing:  apparently, the story that Bran heard growing up was that Ned beat Dayne with one hand behind his back or some bullshit.  However, Bran learns that that’s not the case.  Ned put up a hell of a fight, but Dayne was overpowering him, and he lost because Howland Reed snuck up behind Dayne and stabbed him in the back.  Once Dayne is dead, Ned goes up to the the tower to get Lyanna, and Bran calls out to him.  Here’s the trippy part…Ned actually hears him.  The Three Eyed Raven appears a bit nervous and ends the dream.  Bran’s irate.  He knew his father heard him, but The Three Eyed Raven writes it off.  Bran wants to go back, but The Three Eyed Raven warns him again:  if you stay in the dream too long, you may never come back.  Bran doesn’t care.  He goes full on teenager and starts going on and on about how when he’s in the dreams he not a cripple, how he doesn’t wanna spend all his time with an old man in a tree…yadda, yadda, yadda.  Even Leaf (the little magical girl!  Props to Patrick for giving me her name!) can’t believe the temper tantrum this boy is having.  The Three Eyed Raven lets Bran know that he’s aware he doesn’t wanna stay in the cave forever, and he will eventually get out, but first he has to learn.  Bran asks what he has to learn (and then he asked the question like a spoiled ass child that thinks he knows everything!  Bran really is in his terrible teens).  The Three Eyed Raven answers, “Everything.”  Shots fired.

Vaes Dothrak

Dany finally gets to Vaes Dothrak, and her reception isn’t exactly warm.  Once she gets in the temple, the head Dosh Khaleen has her stripped of her clothing and makes her wear the traditional Dothraki garment.  Dany starts going on about how they’ll regret what they’ve done, but her threats fall on deaf ears.  The Dothraki really don’t give a shit about Dany being the Mother of Dragons or the Queen of Meereen.  The main Dosh Khaleen asks her why she didn’t come to Vaes Dothrak when Khal Drogo died.  Dany tells her that her place is not with them.  The dragon lady writes off Dany’s attitude as her being young and how she’ll learn the way of the world soon enough…if she’s lucky enough to stay in Vaes Dothrak.  Dany asks where else she could possibly go, and Miss Thang tells her that since she went off in the world after Khal Drogo died, she committed a forbidden act.  Now her fate lies in the hands of the Khalasars.  Oooooohhh…

Meereen

Varys meets up with the ho that was working with the Sons of the Harpy (you know, the one that killed the Unsullied solider that just wanted a mother figure last season?).  She thinks he’s going to torture her, but he actually entices her with the promise of a new life for herself and her son, along with some startup money.  All he needs in return in some information.  In the meantime, Tyrion is waiting for the news along with Grey Worm and Missandei, and he learns that the two of them are pretty doggone boring.  He tries his best to start up a conversation or play a game to pass the time, but they’re so socially awkward they end up making Tyrion look like the weirdo for even suggesting it (which further proves that Grey Worm and Missandei are made for each other).  Strangely enough, whenever they’re around each other, or if Dany is nearby, they don’t have a problem talking.  As a matter of fact, Grey Worm and Missandei have scorching chemistry together.  Varys returns from the interrogation, much to Tyrion’s relief, and tells them that the Sons of the Harpy are being funded by the slave owners in Astapor and Yunkai, as well as the rich folks in Volantis.  Ain’t that somethin’.  Grey Worm suggests fighting them, but Tyrion suggest talking to them first, and asks Varys to get his little birds to send them a message.  Varys answers that men cannot be trusted but his little birds are always faithful.  That got me thinking…exactly who and what are Varys’ birds?

King’s Landing

Maester Qyburn aka The Mad Scientist, is doing checkups on the local children.  A little girl asks when Varys will be coming back.  Qyburn asks why, and the little girl answers that she always liked Varys.  He was nice, and always referred to the kids as his “little birds.”  Wow.  Mystery solved.  I always assumed that the birds were men he trusted until he made that statement in Meereen.  I should’ve known they were kids!  Children never lie (unless it’s about doing their homework and/or cleaning their rooms).  Qyburn decides to recruit some birds of his own, and gives the kids candy to butter them up.  Cersei, Jaime and The Mountain arrive, scaring the living hell out of the children.  Cersei sees that Qyburn is gathering spies, and she tells him to gather more:  in Dorne, Highgarden, everywhere.  If someone’s talkin’ shit about her, she wants to know.  Qyburn agrees.  Welcome back, bitchy Cersei.

There’s a small council meeting taking place where Pycelle is talkin’ shit about Qyburn and The Mountain.  Talk about a hater!  Cersei’s crew walks in on the meeting while Pycelle is talkin’ his trash, and once he sees The Mountain, he actually passes gas.  I’m not above laughing at toilet humor.  Don’t judge me.  By the way, one of my favorite characters was at the small council meeting…Oleanna Tyrell (or as I love to call her, Granny Tyrell)!  I love her almost as much as I love Tyrion!  Anyway, Cersei’s Uncle Kevan reminds her that she’s not on the small council and has no business being there.  Cersei asks why Granny Tyrell is there, but she lets Cersei know that her son invited her so they could talk about the queen’s imprisonment.  Cersei’s vain ass thinks she’s referring to her, but Granny lets her know quick, fast and in a hurry that Margaery is the queen and Margaery’s imprisonment is the topic of discussion.  Cersei and Jaime refuse to leave…so everyone else does.  Buuuurrrrrnnnnnnn!!!

Tommen confronts The High Sparrow, demanding him to allow Cersei to visit Marcella’s grave.  The High Sparrow refuses.  Tommen flexes his authority, “I am the king!”  When are y’all gonna learn that that doesn’t work??  The High Sparrow not only refuses again, but plays Tommen in the process.  He sits down with Tommen and talks to him about how Cersei has to go through further atonement not because the Septon wants it, but because the gods want it.  He goes on to say that the gods make their will known and it’s up to us as human beings to accept it or reject it.  Tommen mentions that Tywin used to say the same thing, and starts really listening to the rest of The High Sparrow’s malarkey.  Got ‘im.

Braavos

Blind Arya is back in the House of Black and White, and she’s not playin’ around.  She spends her days training to be no one.  She learns how to fight blind, sparring with that blonde heffa.  When she’s not fighting that witch, she asks Arya who she was before she came to Braavos.  Now, here’s what pissed me off:  the heffa asks about Arya’s family, and she mentions that she had one sister and four brothers.  The blonde heffa whacked her with the stick for that, and Arya quickly changed her answer to one sister, three brothers and one half brother.  That still makes Jon her brother, bitch!  I hate the way these bastards on this show treat Jon (and Tyrion) like he’s less than!  *Sigh*  But I digress.  Anyway, for the first few days, the blonde heffa continues to whup Arya’s ass, but she takes it everyday, and gets better as each day passes.  She learns how to use her sense of touch, hearing and smell to navigate her way around and fight.  She even learns how to mix potions.  While going through the former Arya Stark’s history, the blonde heffa makes her recite the kill list.  Arya only names a few people, and mentions that the Hound was once on the list as well, but was taken off.  The blonde heffa asks who else was on her “funny little list.”  Hell, with all the pounding you’re doing on this child, your nasty ass might be on it.  Good thing you don’t have a name!  Arya eventually gets so good at her skills that she ends up defending herself against the blonde heffa’s attacks (much to that witch’s dismay)!  When Jaqen H’ghar sees this, he tells Arya again that if a girl says her name, she’ll get her eyes back.  Arya repeats that she has no name.  Jaqen gives her a potion to drink.  At first Arya hesitates, but Jaqen says that if a girl is truly no one, she has nothing to fear.  Arya drinks it, and just like that, she regains her sight.  Jaqen asks who she is again.  Arya answers, “No one.”  Now she’s the Artist Formerly Known as Arya Stark.  Yes, her murderous skills are an art.

Winterfell

Some dude named Lord Umber comes to Winterfell asking for Ramsey’s help against the Wildlings now that they’ve crossed The Wall.  One thing I like about Umber is that he’s no dummy.  He knows that Ramsey killed Roose Bolton, and doesn’t for one second buy his bullshit about Roose being poisoned by his enemies.  Ramsey asks Umber to pledge his banners to him, but Umber refuses.  He then asks Umber to kneel before him and pledge his loyalty, but Umber refuses to do that, too.  Instead, he has a gift for Ramsey.  He brings in two hostages, with sacks over their heads.  When the sacks are removed, it’s revealed that the hostages are none other than Osha and Rickon.  OMG!!  This season is bringing back a lot of folks we haven’t seen for a while!  Ramsey wants proof that Rickon really is who they say he is, and Umber brings the head of Rickon’s direwolf as evidence.  The damn wolves are being killed off just as quickly as the actual Stark family members!  Ramsey accepts the wolf’s head as proof and “welcomes” Rickon back home.  Ugh.

All In All, You’re Just Another Brick In The Wall!

As Laurence Fishburne once said in the film Deep Cover, “If you deal in vice, you pay the price.”  Well, all those fuckers that stabbed Jon are about to pay.  Jon’s buddy knocks on the Lord Commander’s door, letting him know that it’s time.  Jon goes outside to do his duty, and we see Thorne, Olly, and those other two idiots on the scaffold.  Jon asks if they have any last words, and one of the no-name idiots hollers out, “You shouldn’t be alive!  It’s not right!”  Really?  Jon claps back and tell him that killing him wasn’t right, either.  The other no-name idiot wants Jon to send a letter to his mother telling him he died fighting the wildlings.  Jon doesn’t openly agree to it, but he doesn’t come out and say no, either.  Thorne gives a long winded speech about how he had to choose between betraying Jon or betraying The Night’s Watch.  Whatever.  Then Jon gets to Olly, who says nothing.  All he does is look at Jon with disdain.  Jon pauses for a second before cutting the rope to release the bottom end of the scaffold.  Once he does, it only takes a few seconds for all of them to die.  When it’s over, Jon takes off his coat and hands it to his buddy.  His buddy asks what he wants him to do with it, and Jon basically lets him know he doesn’t care because he’s handing the title of Lord Commander to him.  Jon walks away saying, “My watch has ended.”

WTF!?

This was an interesting episode, but it hurt my heart a little bit.  First of all, despite the fact that Olly pissed me off royally for betraying Jon, seeing his dead body on that rope was haunting, to say the least.  All in all, he was just a boy.  True, he was a boy that decided he wanted to be grown and had to pay the ultimate grown up price, but he was just a boy nonetheless.  The other thing that hurt my heart is the ongoing situation with the Stark children.  When I was in high school, we had to watch a mini-series called The Holocaust for my US History class.  In the movie, there’s a wealthy Jewish family that’s very close knit, but once the Nazi party’s power grows, the family becomes separated.  Many members of the family never see each other again.  Whenever I watch “Game of Thrones,” and see how the Starks have all been separated thanks to the Lannisters and their bullshit, I think about The Holocaust.  Rickon missed Sansa at Winterfell by a few days, maybe a week.  Jon just left The Wall, right before Sansa is about to show up.  It seems to me that they’ll never be reunited again.  Another thing I want to touch on is Tommen.  Tommen’s been getting a lot of flack for being a useless king.  Well, he’s not the strongest monarch, but we have to remember something…he’s a kid.  A softhearted kid at that.  The High Sparrow knew exactly how to play his emotions, and it worked like a charm.  At least Tommen tried to exercise his authority this week.  We’ll see if The High Sparrow continues to play him, or if Tommen will eventually become a better ruler.  Only time will tell.  And Jon!  I can’t believe he quit!  Where will he go?  What he will he do?  He can’t go back to Winterfell; Ramsey and those other bloodthirsty bastards will have his head (although he may see Rickon again…maybe).  Can’t wait for next week!

—Written by Nadiya

So what did y’all think about “Oathbreaker”?  Good show, or was it dull as dishwater?  Also, what’s your opinion on Olly’s death or Tommen’s lack of influence, or anything going on with the Stark kids?  Your thoughts please!