This past episode of “Game of Thrones” was chock full of surprises! Let’s do this!
A Beautiful Meadow With Nice, Happy Church Folk (Before the Opening Credits…huh?)
Yeah, you read that right. I never remember any new scenes being shown before the opening credits, but this week, the show begins with happy, shiny people not holding hands, but building what appears to be a church steeple. The equally happy, shiny leader is Ian McShane, aka The Guy That’s In Everything. It’s true. He was in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Hercules, Snow White and the Huntsman…this dude is in everything! As the camera shows groups of men carrying large logs of wood to be added to the steeple, we see one large, burly man carrying a log all by himself. He drops the log and camera pans upward to reveal…The Hound! The Hound is back, baby!
Then the opening credits start. Dun-dun-du-du-dun-dun-du-du-dun-dun…
The story goes back to all the happy, shiny people…and The Hound. It turns out Ian McShane is a priest (a Septon) and he found The Hound near dead. Ian McShane was planning to give him a proper burial, but before the priest could put the big guy in the ground, he coughed, and here we are. Turns out Ian McShane is a cool priest a la Father Bobby in Sleepers (shout out to Robert DeNiro), and can’t resist ribbin’ The Hound a little bit when he finds out that it was actually a woman that took the big man out. Later, they have a spiritual conversation, where Father McShane (that’s what I’m gonna call him) admits that he doesn’t know everything about the gods, but he knows that there’s something greater out there and whatever it is has a plan for The Hound. The Hound asks if the gods are real, then why hasn’t he been punished yet? Father McShane tells him that he has been punished.
Margaery is in the Sept, reading from the bible when The High Sparrow walks in. On a side note, her hair looks blonder (is that a word?) in this episode. Anyway, The High Sparrow starts asking why Margaery and Tommen aren’t bumpin’ and grindin’ like they used to. Margaery tells him that she doesn’t have the desire to. After all, that kid is like what? 16? I feel like I’m about to get a visit from the folks at “Dateline NBC” every time I see the two of them together. The High Sparrow tells her that she has a duty to her husband and her country, and the king must have an heir so “their good work” can continue. He then tells her that she’s made a lot of progress, and he only wishes her grandmother would make the same progress…or else. Later that day, Margaery meets with Granny Tyrell with Septa Unella, the psychotic nun. Granny Tyrell is pissed that Septa Unella is hanging on to their every word, but Margaery won’t send her away. BTW, I love Granny’s comments about Unella, “Can it move or talk?” Granny’s also pissed that Margaery seems to be content with Loras still being locked up and being the new poster girl for The Seven. She tries to make Margaery go back to Highgarden, but she refuses, and instead, Margaery pleads for her grandmother to go back home. She slips a piece of paper in her grandmother’s hand and warns her, “Go home.” Granny understands completely at that point. They say their goodbyes, and when Granny goes outside, she looks at the piece of paper. It has a rose (the Tyrell symbol) drawn on it. It’s enough to put a smile on Granny Tyrell’s face. Margaery’s playing them, and this ain’t over.
Somewhere in The North
Jon, Sansa, Tormund and Ser Davos meet up with the Wildlings to get them to fight in The Bastard Bowl (yep, The Bastard Bowl). They don’t wanna do it; they promised they’d help Jon fight the White Walkers, not psychos that would make Ted Bundy shake his head. Tormund reminds them that Jon literally gave his life for them, and if they don’t fight for him, they’re all cowards. Wun Wun the Giant (I think that’s his name) stands up for Jon, and the others follow. That’s a point for the Starks!
King’s Landing…The Land of Shade
Cersei approaches Granny Tyrell about leaving King’s Landing, and asks if she’ll really leave her grandson in a cell. Granny reminds Cersei that it’s her fault that Loras is rotting in a cell, and it’s her fault that The High Sparrow rose to power. Cersei actually accepts responsibility and admits it’s her fault all this has happened. She says her stupid decision haunts her every day, to which Granny replies, “Good.” Cersei practically begs Granny for help, but Granny remembers that signature smirk Cersei had on her face when Loras and Margaery were taken away, and she refuses to lift a finger for her ratchet ass. Granny tells her that she’s leaving for Highgarden, and if Cersei had any sense (which she doesn’t), she’ll do the same. Cersei refuses to leave Tommen. Granny reminds Cersei that she has no support in King’s Landing anymore, and it’s the only joy she can hold to in all this misery. Every dark cloud has a silver lining.
Jaime and Bronn (Bronn’s back!) arrive in Riverrun, and see the Frey army’s piss poor attempt at trying to take the castle back. Frey’s son and the other men are threatening to cut Lord Edmure’s throat if the Blackfish doesn’t surrender. The Blackfish is basically like…
Jaime can’t stand looking at these fools bumble around anymore and takes over the siege. He also demands that Lord Edmure be cleaned and fed (Black Jack looks a hot ass mess). One of the idiots tries to back talk to Jaime, but he quickly get bitchslapped with Jaime’s metal hand. Ouch! Jaime tells Bronn to get word to The Blackfish for a parley.
Jon, Sansa and Ser Davos meet up with Lady Lyanna, the head of House Mormont, and let me tell you…Lady Lyanna needs a belt to her behind. The internet is lovin’ her, and I have to say, she’s much stronger than Tommen and Robyn, and smarter, too. However, she’s a nasty little thing and could use a swift kick in her rump! When Jon and Sansa ask her for help (all while making the mistake of trying to appeal to her as a child), the 10 year old quickly shuts them down, and uses a considerable amount of shade to do so, especially with Sansa, “Lady Sansa is a Bolton…or are you a Lannister? I’ve heard conflicting reports.” Ser Davos steps up to speak, and as we all know, he’s always had a way with children…even the difficult ones. He tells her about the White Walkers coming, and how all the houses have to band together to fight them. Lyanna finally agrees and allows Jon to use her soldiers…all 62 of them. Massive. Another point for the Starks (sort of).
Riverrun (Another Land of Shade)
Jaime and The Blackfish have their parley. Jaime threatens to kill Edmure if The Blackfish doesn’t surrender, blah, blah, blah. The Blackfish knows that Edmure’s dead either way, and he refuses. Jaime tells him if he surrenders now, his men will be spared. The Blackfish tells Jaime that he was born at that castle and will die there if need be. Jaime asks why The Blackfish wanted to parley in the first place, seeing that he has no interest in negotiating. The Blackfish says he wanted to measure Jaime up in person…and he’s disappointed. BUUUUURRRRNNNNNN!
House Glover (Suck Castle)
Lord Glover refuses to fight for the Starks due to The Boltons helping him take his house back from The Ironborn. Jon tries to reason with him, but the minute ol’ boy finds out that The Wildlings are fighting alongside The Starks, he wants nothing to do with the takeover. Sansa reminds Lord Glover that his house pledged loyalty to House Stark. He tells Sansa that when the Ironborn took over his house, Robb was too busy getting himself killed to protect his family. His loyalty to House Stark died with Robb. Interception. The Starks lose a point.
Theon and Yara are on some unnamed island full of hoes. Yara is havin’ a fine old time (yep, she’s a lesbian, or bisexual at the very least. Seems a bit stereotypical if you ask me), whereas Theon is nervous around all the naked women. In true Ironborn fashion, Yara makes it clear that she’s sick of Theon’s PTSD and makes him drink a mug full of ale to toughen him up. She also reveals their plan: they’re going to Meereen to make a pact with Dany to take back the Iron Islands and overthrow their evil ass uncle. However, Yara needs the old Theon, not traumatized Theon (she also tells him that if he’s too broken to be himself again, he should slit his wrists. Man, there’s no love for the mentally distressed with the Ironborn!). Yara asks if he’s with him. Theon looks up at Yara with a newfound confidence and nods. In a show of compassion, Yara gives him a kiss on the forehead, and proceeds to go bang a ho, leaving Theon alone at the table.
Punk Ass Stannis’ Old Camp
Davos, Jon and Sansa arrive at Stannis’ old camp in the North. Davos says it’s the perfect place due to the surrounding mountains, but Jon announces that he’s not staying there long, just in case a storm hits. When Davos leaves the siblings to attend to some mess going down with the soldiers, Sansa lets it be known that she doesn’t exactly trust Davos, and that they need more men to take Winterfell. Jon reminds Sansa that Davos is the reason he’s alive and that he served Stannis for years. Sansa reminds Jon that Stannis was an asshole that lost Blackwater and later, his own head. Jon tells her there’s no more time to get more men, and they have to make due with what they have. Sansa secures a raven and sends a message to someone for further assistance. I really hope it’s not who folks on the net think it is…
Back at the Beautiful Meadow…
Father McShane and the other happy people (and The Hound) are having a bible study (or maybe just plain church), where the priest speaks on his wrong doings before he became saved and sanctified. He mentions that it’s never to late to stop robbing or killing people, and it’s never too late to start helping people. The Hound appears to take the sermon in. Then, up rides some folks that don’t look too friendly. They ask for horses, but Father McShane tells them they have no horses or riches. They ask for food, and Father McShane invites them for supper. They ride off, but not before saying, “The night is dark and full of terrors.” Afterwards, The Hound berates the priest for not being more wary of the men. Father McShane says that fighting them wouldn’t be the answer, and besides, he’s done with fighting. He feels that violence is a disease that shouldn’t be spread. He invites The Hound to stop working and get some supper. The Hound continues chopping wood, since it’s supposed to be a cold night.
Arya comes across a Westerosi man and promises him two bags of coins for passage on his ship back to Westeros. He agrees, and Arya walks off. She reaches a bridge and takes a look at the city. An old woman approaches her saying, “Sweet girl?” Once Arya turns around the woman slices her across the abdomen and stabs her twice in the stomach. She takes off her mask to reveal that she’s actually the blonde heffa. Arya head butts the witch and jumps in the water. The heffa looks over the side of the bridge to see if a body floats up, but it never does. The blonde heffa looks pleased with herself and leaves. Dummy. Arya swims back to the surface, and walks through the city, badly wounded. She’s scared out of her mind, as she clearly can’t trust anyone. Any one of the people may be a Faceless Man…
The Not-So-Beautiful Meadow
The Hound finally finishes chopping wood when he hears a scream. He comes back to the meadow to find everyone massacred. The men, the women, the children…everyone. Worse yet, he sees Father McShane hanging by his neck from the unfinished steeple. The Hound grabs a nearby ax, and goes off in search of those three fools.
And that, my friends, is how the story ends.
This episode was great, as usual, and I loved seeing The Hound’s return. I can’t wait to see what he does to those three guys. However, there was something that really disappointed me this week…Arya. My girl is way too smart to do something that dumb. You know you’re on the run from assassins that can disguise themselves as anyone and everyone, and you actually walk out in the open? Then you don’t get suspicious of a random old lady that walks up to you? Come on! I’m a bit disappointed in Sansa too, if she did what we all think she did. She took two steps forward this season, but if she sent that raven to the person we think she sent it to, she basically took ten steps back. A minuscule gripe that I had this week is that Tyrion and Dany were absent from this episode, and this is actually the second time in a row that Tyrion didn’t make an appearance. The previews show that he’ll be back next week, though (yay!). Another cool thing that happens next week is that Jaime and Brienne meet each other again…only this time, they’re rivals! I’m anxious to see what Arya’s next move is (even though she ticked me off. Even I knew that old woman was the blonde heffa in disguise!), as well as Margaery’s. I’m also curious to see if Theon really is the old Theon. If modern psychology has taught us anything, PTSD and even acute trauma isn’t gone over night, and Yara isn’t exactly the type to sit down and listen to Theon discuss his fears. Hell, she suggested he should commit suicide! Lord willin’, I’ll give you guys another recap next week!
—Written by Nadiya
So what did you think about “The Broken Man”? Did you like seeing The Hound again? How do you feel about Riverrun? Do you think Jaime and Bronn will take it? What about Sansa? Do you think she sent that raven to you-know-who? Did you know all along that Margaery was playin’ The High Sparrow, or did you have some doubts like I did? Did you think Arya taking in the city while she was on the run was a horrible idea? Will Theon be himself again? Also, did you miss Tyrion, too? Give me your thoughts!