This week’s “Game of Thrones” episode was hot to death.
The Three Eyed Raven’s Cave
We open to an all-grown-up Bran Stark, who’s warging out in the Three Eyed Raven’s cave. He psychically travels to Winterfell and sees his father, aunt and uncles when they were all still children, and before the manor was ruined by sadistic assholes. We finally get to see what Lyanna was like, and I have to say, it’s clear where Arya gets her wild ways from. Lyanna was literally riding circles around her brothers, proving that she wasn’t some dainty little lady. The most interesting thing about Bran’s travels is that he sees young Hodor, who could actually speak and answered to the name of Wylis. This means that somewhere along the line, Hodor suffered an accident that caused some type of permanent brain damage. I believe that’ll be discussed later in the season. The Three Eyed Raven ends Bran’s dream, much to his dismay. He warns Bran that he can’t stay in the dream too long, or it will consume him. Bran asks where Meera is, and Hodor basically answers him as he always does, “Hodor.” When Hodor takes Bran outside (Bran’s too big to fit on Hodor’s back now!), he’s all too excited to tell Meera what he saw, but she could care less. In my opinion, she’s still mourning for her brother, but she tells Bran that she’s feeling some type of way because she believes being stuck in the cave with him while he wargs out is useless. The little magical girl (I can’t remember her name) tells her that they won’t be in the cave forever, and Bran will need her when they leave.
Alliser Thorne and his merry group of assholes get ready to fight Ser Davos and Jon’s loyal soldiers. Thorne makes one more piss poor attempt at negotiating, but Davos and the others don’t budge. Thorne’s men start breaking the door down, while the folks outside, including that damn Olly, take a fighting stance. The men inside the room get ready to fight, as does Ghost. Just then, there’s a bamming noise outside the gates of The Wall. Sure enough, the men turn to look in time to see the wildlings and their giant (whose name I also forgot…look, dammit! It’s “Game of Thrones”! I can’t remember everyone’s name!) burst down the gate along with Jon’s other buddy (shutup, y’all.)! Hell, yeah! It’s on now! The men are scared shitless, and the second one brave soul shoots the giant with an arrow, the giant grabs him and splatters him all over a nearby wall. The men drop their weapons with a quickness! That crap was too funny! And to think, these are the folks that are supposed to protect Westeros! After the men surrender, Thorne tries to call Jon’s buddy a traitor. Pot, meet kettle! Jon’s buddy wastes no time reminding Thorne who the real traitors are. Then, Olly’s little bad ass tries to jump Tormund (y’all know Tormund was there! And hey, I remembered his name!) and gets his feelings hurt. What was really funny is that he did one of those run and yell type deals, only to epically fail. I love when that crap happens. All of Thorne’s men are taken away to the dungeon, including Olly. Hey, you’re the one that wanted to play with the big boys! You havin’ fun? Davos then takes Tormund to see Jon’s body and pay his last respects. Tormund stands over Jon for a while and says that he’ll get some of his men to build a funeral pyre. That just shows how much Jon was loved by everyone.
Some dirt poor drunk guy is talkin’ trash about Cersei to his friends, saying that during her walk of shame, he flashed his junk at her and she licked her lips upon seeing it. Yeah, right. If it’s the same guy I remember, he flashed his stuff, but he promptly got the tar beat out of him by one of The High Sparrow’s minions. Speaking of which, when the guy finishes trash talkin’ and goes into an alley to take a pee, The Mountain approaches him and smashes his head against the wall, splattering it with one shove. Damn, I knew that The Mountain was gonna take out all of Cersei’s enemies, but not the random dudes that talk shit about her! If that’s the case, he’ll have to kill half the town!
Back at the Red Keep, Cersei gets ready to go to Myrcella’s funeral. The Mountain accompanies her, but the Kingsguard won’t let her pass, saying that Tommen ordered Cersei to stay at the palace. For the second time in two weeks, I felt something I thought I’d never feel for Cersei…sympathy. The woman was barred from going to her own daughter’s funeral! I’d be feeling some type of way behind that. At the funeral, Jaime asks Tommen why he kept Cersei from coming. Tommen tells him that The Seven told him that if Cersei came to the temple, they’d lock her up again. Jaime promises him that will not happen a second time. Tommen reveals that he hasn’t spoken to Cersei since she got back for fear of her disappointment and rejection of him for not doing anything when she and Margaery were locked up. Jaime assures him everything will be alright. The High Sparrow shows up, filthy as hell. Does this man ever take a bath? Tommen asks to speak with Margaery, but once again, The High Sparrow refuses. Jaime sends Tommen away, and he and the High Sparrow basically have a pissing contest in which the priest wins, thanks to his psychotic monks showing up armed to the teeth. Jaime continues to talk tough, saying he’s faced worse odds and can take them all out. The High Sparrow reminds him that although they’re all poor and “powerless,” they still have the ability to overthrow an empire. Tommen goes back to see Cersei and apologizes for not being there for her. He asks her to make him a stronger person and she agrees, accepting his apology. Tommen better watch out. Cersei’ll make him an evil person, not a stronger person.
Tyrion is doing his two favorite things…drinking and talking politics, and he does both flawlessly. I love that guy. He asks Varys to give him some good news about the state of Meereen. Varys lets him know that Astapor and Yunkai (the other lands Dany conquered) have stopped asking for aid because they’ve brought slavery back. Boooooooo! Grey Worm mentions that they’re looking into whoever burned the fleet of ships, but so far, they’ve turned up with nothing. On top of that, Missandei tells Tyrion that the dragons locked below the palace are not eating. Tyrion wisely figures that if Dany is the Mother of Dragons, and if the dragons are wasting away, she’ll lose the power she’s worked so hard to get. If the dragons remain in captivity, they will surely starve to death. He asks Missandei if the dragons ever hurt her when she was around them. She lets him know they didn’t, and she was in their company many times. Tyrion figures that dragons know their friends from their enemies, and it’s time they got to know a new friend to help them eat. Tyrion makes his way below the palace a few moments later, and although he’s clearly about to piss himself, he goes along with the plan. The dragons see him and start bearing their teeth and breathing fire, but Tyrion calms them by telling an adorable story about how he wanted a dragon for his birthday when he was a child. He then removes the chain off one of the dragons, and the other lowers his neck in front of Tyrion so he can be freed as well. Tyrion takes off the other dragon’s chain, and they both simply walk away from him. Tyrion runs up the stairs faster that Jesse Owens and tells Varys, “If I ever have an idea like that again, punch me in the face.” Tyrion is boss.
Arya is still in the streets begging and still blind, only now she’s bloodied and bruised from getting her ass handed to her in the previous episode. The blonde heffa comes back as promised and starts handing her ass to her again, asking her who she is. Arya keeps answering that she’s no one, but the blond chick continues to wail on her with the stick. Arya still hasn’t mastered using her sense of touch, hearing or smell, so all she can do is swing the stick around, hitting nothing but air. The blonde heffa disappears as Arya thrashes the stick around, trying to hit her. Jaqen H’ghar appears and grabs Arya’s stick (I knew that was really him in disguise!). He tells her that if a girl says her name, she’ll have a place to sleep. Arya says she has no name. He says that if a girl says her name, she’ll have food. Arya says she has no name. Jaqen says that if a girl says her name…she’ll get her eyes back. Arya hesitates for a moment, and says she has no name. I have to give it to her. I would’ve caved when he said I’d get a place to sleep for saying my name. “It’s Nadiya! Nadiya!” Jaqen instructs her to come with him and to leave her collection plate. She’s not a beggar anymore.
Ramsey and Karstark report to Roose that men who went after Sansa and Theon are all dead, meaning that someone is helping them. Knowing where Sansa’s heading, Ramsey has the bright idea of storming Castle Black and killing Jon. Yeah, good luck with that, jackass. Roose lets him know that’s a bad idea, considering that Jon is the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. They’d turn all the important houses in the North against them. Karstark and Ramsey both disagree, naturally. Any reason to kill or mutilate someone is a good reason for Ramsey’s crazy ass. Speaking of which, the maester comes in and announces that Lady Walda gave birth to a healthy baby boy! Uh-oh… Ramsey congratulates Roose, who in turn tells Ramsey that he’ll also be his first born. Ramsey thanks him, and then guts him like a fish. Karstark just stands there, while the maester is petrified. Ramsey smugly tells him to send word that his father has been poisoned by his enemies and to send Walda and the baby to him. A few moments later, Walda meets Ramsey outside with the baby, thinking that Roose sent for them. Ramsey asks to hold the baby, and Walda agrees (God, I can’t stand him). He holds the baby for a second, and tells Walda that Roose is in the kennel. The minute she gets in the kennel with those devil dogs, Ramsey closes the door. “Where is Lord Bolton?” she asks. “I am Lord Bolton,” he says. Walda begs him to spare her and her child’s life, saying that they’ll leave Winterfell. Ramsey refuses. “But he’s your brother!” she pleads. “I prefer being an only child,” Ramsey tells her. He sics the dogs on her and the baby and watches them get torn apart. Ramsey, youse a bitch.
Brienne tells Sansa that she saw Arya with The Hound, but lost track of her. Sansa asks if she knows where Arya went, but Brienne has no idea. She asks how Arya looked, and Brienne answers that she wasn’t dressed like a lady. The answer makes Sansa smile. I thought that was sweet. Sansa goes over to speak to Theon, assuring him that they’ll be safe once they reach Castle Black. Theon reminds her of all he’s done to hurt her family, and that Jon’ll kill him the second he walks through the gate. Sansa tells him that he’ll be forgiven when he joins the Night’s Watch, but Theon says he doesn’t want to be forgiven for his sins. What he’s done to Robb, Ser Rodrik and the two farm boys he killed isn’t worth forgiveness. He tells Sansa he’s not going with her or the rest of the group. Sansa hugs him and asks where he’s going. He just answers, “Home.” Home where? Not the Iron Islands! I can’t stand those disloyal buttplugs!
The Doggone Iron Islands
*Sigh* We cut immediately to the Iron Islands for the first time in two seasons, and Lord knows I didn’t miss them. Balon’s still a dick, and Yara’s getting tired of his shit. She’s finally realizing what we’ve known ever since they were introduced: they don’t have a chance in Hell of winning the seven kingdoms. They’ve even managed to lose their hold on the last little region or house or whatever they had control of. Yara tries to talk sense into him by asking him to give up fighting, but Balon refuses to listen, and even chastises Yara for trying to save Theon, since it caused him to lose men for a useless cause. Now do y’all see why I can’t stand the Ironborn? Balon storms out the room, saying that if Yara doesn’t obey him and continue to fight, he’ll produce an heir that will. Please. You’re like 90 years old. Your sperm has probably been reduced to dust. Anyway, like the dick he is, Balon decides to take a walk in the dark—and in the rain on a rickety bridge, no less—and he runs into his estranged brother, Euron. Euron proves to be just as nutty as Balon, but like Ramsey, Euron is crazy, but not stupid. Balon, on the other hand, proves his stupidity when he insults his much younger brother after the latter already mentioned that Balon is old and it’s time for him to step down (and let’s not forget…they’re on a raggedy ass bridge that rivals the one on Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom). Balon further proves his idiocy when he tries to jump Euron, and misses. He put a little scratch on his cheek, but what the hell will that do? Euron promptly throws Balon off the bridge. Who didn’t see that comin’? Yara and the other Ironborn have a funeral the next day, where Yara swears on the Salt Throne that she’ll kill her father’s murderer. Some weird guy—I guess he was their priest—nastily tells her that the throne’s not hers and she has to win the Kingsmoot in order to win it, whatever the hell that means. Then he snidely tells her, “Maybe you’ll win. Maybe you’ll be the first woman to rule the Ironborn. Or maybe you won’t.” Ugh. I can’t stand these douchebags.
Livin’ On The Wall!
Melisandre is still in her room moping, but at least she put that doggone necklace back on. She was a rough looking old lady. Ser Davos comes in and asks her if she could possibly bring Jon back to life (finally!). Melisandre says that she’s never brought anyone back herself, and she’s only seen it done once (I could’ve sworn she was the one that first brought back that guy Arya met). Davos is certain she can do it, but Melisandre’s faith is completely shaken. I actually felt bad for her when I watched this scene. Considering that I hated Melisandre and Cersei from jump street, I never thought I’d feel sympathy for either one of them. That just goes to show what a great series this is. Davos convinces her by telling her that he’s not asking the Lord of Light for help, but he’s asking the woman who showed him that miracles exist. I wouldn’t categorize that evil shit Melisandre did as miracles, but if it means we’ll get Jon back, I’ll roll with it for now! Melisandre, Davos, Tormund and Jon’s buddy all meet in the room where Jon’s body is still laid out. I’m surprised he kept this long. Must be due to the extreme cold up there at Castle Black. Melisandre starts cleaning Jon’s body. Then she cuts his pretty hair and throws it into a nearby fire. Then she trims a small bit of his beard and throws the stubble into the fire. The she washes his hair. Are we watching a resurrection, or a barbering course? She starts reciting an incantation in Valyrian while the other men watch. She says the words for a few moments, but nothing happens. Jon remains still. She repeats the incantation, but nothing happens. “Please,” she desperately says. Still nothing. It looks like Jon is truly gone. Tormund leaves, disgusted. Melisandre walks away, hopeless. Jon’s buddy exits, disappointed. Davos stands over Jon’s body a little while longer, and eventually goes, resigned. Only Ghost remains in the room, sleeping under the table Jon’s lying on. Jon remains still as Ghost sleeps. Suddenly, the direwolf wakes up and raises his head. Nothing’s happening in the room, and no one has entered.
Then…JON WAKES UP!
I enjoyed this episode. I loved Tyrion interacting with the dragons, seeing that there’s no limit to Ramsey’s evil (even Joffrey drew the line at his parents and siblings! I know Tyrion killed his dad, but that was different), seeing Bran again for the first time in ages as well as Yara (although I can’t stand the Ironborn, I’ve always wondered if Yara felt guilty for leaving Theon with Ramsey), I’m really intrigued about Hodor’s past history now, but most of all, I loved that Jon Freakin’ Snow is back, baby! Man, I can’t wait to see how Thorne and his punk bitches are gonna react! My only worry is that Jon may not come back as the same man. Many people on the internet have had this theory, and I remember the guy that Arya met in the cave said that every time he came back, he would always lose a piece of himself. I’m hoping he doesn’t go completely batshit crazy a la Pet Semetary. That would suck. Tune in with me next week!
—Written by Nadiya
So what did y’all think about this episode? Are you happy that Jon is back or do you think his resurrection is a recipe for disaster? Did you like the part where Tyrion spoke to the dragons? What do you think about Bran and the Ironborn returning? What do you think happened to Hodor? Give me your thoughts!